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Scientific Proof: 2 basic traits for lasting love relationships

December 31st, 2015 Posted in Attention, Dating, Mating, Relating | No Comments »

Only three in ten couples remain in healthy, happy marriages, as noted in the book "The Science of Happily Ever After."

Was there some common toxic issue found in the miserable marriages?

Emily Esfahani interviewed author and psychologist Ty Tashiro who shared the scientific studies conducted at the University of Washington in 1986 by John Gottman and Robert Levenson. With a team of researchers, they had couples attached to electrodes to track their physiology.

The couples spoke about their relationship, such as how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couple’s back home and followed up with them six (6) years later to see if they were still together.

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

The body tells a story that words do not. The disaster couples looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples over time, it was found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

The master couples, showed low physiological arousal, the opposite of the disasters. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

John Gottman elaborated: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”

In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat.

He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. What was discovered was the key “bid” to why some relationships thrive while others languish.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, aka “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a robin outside the window. He may exclaim, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting (a bid) a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the robin.

Every relationship has interactions that are often conversations. The wife can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband. Though the bird-bid might seem minor, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects his interest.

By turning toward your partners to engage the bidder, shows interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy.

So the first scientific trait is attention; whether there is a “turning toward” or “turning away” reaction.  This is how you respond and give attention to your partner.  The active construction response  is the type of attention that fosters a greater connection.

According to Shelly Gable, associate professor of psychology at the University of California-Santa Barbara, an important key to understanding a relationship’s strength is how it works in good times, not just whether it withstands the bad. Partners’ reactions to each other’s good news can better predict the quality of a relationship (and whether it will endure) than can a partners’ reactions to bad news.

The 3 wrong ways and 1 right way: Gable has found that out of four possible ways to respond to a partner’s positive news, only one the "active-constructive response" is good. Couples whose partners react in any of three less positive ways are at greater risk of separating.

Consider the following example Gable gives to illustrate: Your significant other comes home, beaming, and announces that he/she just got a great promotion at work. You could react with:

1. Active-constructive response. "That’s great, you’ve earned it, I’m so proud of you!" followed by questions. Conveys enthusiasm, support, and interest.

2. Passive-constructive response. "Great job, honey!" then shifting to the next topic. Like dinner.

3. Active-destructive response (what Gable dubs "finding the cloud in a silver lining response"). "Wow! Does this mean you’ll be working later hours? Are they going to be paying you more? I can’t believe they picked you out of all the candidates." Generally deflating.

4. Passive-destructive response. Can take either of two forms: "Wow! Wait until I tell you what happened to me today," which is very self-focused, or, "What’s for dinner?"—Ignoring the event altogether.

Positive reactions also magnify the uplifting effects of the good news for the partner who’s doing the sharing, Gable notes. A negative or semi-positive response to a partner’s good news, however, can undercut all the benefits derived from disclosing in the first place, such as fostering trust, intimacy, and satisfaction with the relationship.

Does your partner bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility? Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.

Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. Kindness is a bond that leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship. In some people, the “kindness muscle” is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise.

Kindness is the second basic trait to whether a couple has a lasting relationship.

The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.

If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often. Kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis.

Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy or good news. Is there excitement or disdain? How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness.

Among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.

Kindness ScienceHappilyEverAfter tashiro Scientific Proof: 2 basic traits for lasting love relationships

Mr. Woolf, Walmart, and Why Men and Women are Different

December 14th, 2015 Posted in Dating, Mating, Relating | No Comments »

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her shopping trips to Walmart. (note: This would fall under both the DO WITH Ring of Desire and the Lifestyle Ring of Desire of  The Love Bucket® )

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

My dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

blonde ambition madonna thumb Mr. Woolf, Walmart, and Why Men and Women are Different

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. 

And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

This one has been circulating for awhile now, Husband Causes Mischief email, or with Mr. and Mrs. Fenton as the prime suspects,  but since this is shopping season, it was worth the share.  Enjoy the laughs!

Dating and HER love bucket

December 2nd, 2015 Posted in Dating, Mating, Relating | No Comments »

Dating and Filling HER love bucket

From her point of view, she wonders: Is He Really “Too Busy” (or not that into you)? So, this friend of mine, Matt – a hunky, divorced dad – is seeing this great girl, Jessica. Matt is terrific, but he’s going through some stuff. His mom is dying of Alzheimer’s (stressing him out emotionally), and his new career is really taking off. So his free time is limited.

Jessica is a no-nonsense, divorced mom with two kids. She’s been dating long enough and is ready to settle down again. She sees what a great guy Matt is, but she’s frustrated by his lack of attention and availability. Even though she understands he’s going through serious life-changing events, she’s not getting any younger.

When they see each other, they really connect, make each other laugh, and have great sex—which is why Jessica hasn’t broken it off. She’s waiting for Matt’s life to calm down.

So you wouldn’t say Jessica was in an “unrequited love” situation… or would you?

It may surprise you, but if you’ve ever been in a similar situation…

… or have been in a relationship with any of the guys below…

… you, like Jessica, have been a victim of unrequited love.

•    The guy who’s only interested in you when you’re dating someone else.

•    The guy you dated for a few weeks before he "realized" he wasn’t ready for a relationship… right now.

•    The guy who likes to string you along, giving you just enough attention and love to keep you on the hook. (Isn’t that really Matt and Jessica?)

•    Your ex who you now realize is perfect for you–only now he’s loving single life.

•    Your guy friend whom you’ve always been in love with, but one or both of you are afraid of ruining the friendship.

•    The guy you’ve had a crush on forever, but he’s always dating other women and doesn’t seem to realize you have any feelings for him at all.

Even though Matt is a nice guy and means well, who’s to say he will ever give Jessica the kind of relationship she’s looking for? Kind of weird, right?

A lot of smart, successful women are victims of unrequited love. It’s something of an epidemic. The worst part is, it keeps you from finding the right man, will make you think you "aren’t good at dating," and stops you from moving on after a break up.

Basically, it’s love quicksand.

Think you might be stuck in an unrequited love rut?

An unrequited love rut looks like this: you’re holding onto the hope that one day you and this guy will be together. This belief is preventing you from really getting over him and finding a real relationship with someone who loves you back.

When you do go on dates with other men, you’re really just comparing them to him, waiting for him to come around, or trying to make him jealous by showing him how desirable you are.

The secret to getting out of this unrequited love rut is to determine whether this guy whom you can’t stop thinking about really is "The One." If he is, there are steps you can take to get him to love you back and create a REAL relationship with him.

For ladies, Marni Bartisa  is sharing a FREE Class: Click to register >> Get Him to Love You Back (And if That’s Not Possible, Get Him Out of Your Head for Good) <<

It happens on Sat., Dec. 5 at 10 a.m. Pacific Time.  This free call is about helping you feel better right now and over the holidays!

Lifestyle Ring of Desire of The Love Bucket

October 22nd, 2015 Posted in 7 Rings of Desire, The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

Instincts surely serve us. When it comes to filling the love bucket the “Lifestyle” Ring of Desire is often overlooked or ignored but a key to happy relating and true lovematism.

Sex is often at the top of the list as the red hot Ring of Desire.

But what about lifestyle? And even more specifically what about the aspect of spiritual mysticism of lovematism.  This can make or break a couple. 

Susan Heitler Ph.D. shares this case example:

Robert adored Sherry.  She was smart, funny, generous and sexually exciting to him.  At the same time, they spent so much time at his apartment that it seemed to him he should think about inviting her to move in. 

Yet Robert hesitated.  Rather than slide into each subsequent stage of their growing partnership, he wanted co-habitation to be just a short interval before a long engagement and eventual marriage.  If he was going to invite Sherry to move in with him, he’d better look ahead down the road and decide if he really was wanting to stay on the marriage track with her. 

When Robert did the exercise of labeling the key parts of what he liked best about himself, his alarm bells went off.  Catholic was at the top of the list.  He was from an Irish Catholic family and had grown up loving going to church.  That was the place where his sometimes argumentative family always felt most harmonious and intact.  His spiritual side was so nourished by going to church that he had considered for some time even becoming a priest.  At the same time, he knew that Sherry was equally committed in her Jewish religion.  Religious observances at home such as Friday night dinners were an especially positive part of her family of origin’s closeness. 

As Robert thought about how central Catholicism was to his identity and Jewishness was to Sherry’s, feelings of sadness rose up within him.  He realized that to build a cohesive family together one or both of them would have to give up too core a part of his identity. 

Robert decided that instead of inviting Sherry to move in with him, he would explain his concerns.  Together they faced the realities of their different identities, talking openly about what a future together might look like.  Their mutual choice at the end was to declare their love for each other, and then part. 

Initially Robert and Sherry both suffered a long period of mourning.  Eventually however each found new partners.  With these more fully-matched spouses, both built highly successful and loving families. 

Susan Heitler says, “No one wants to seal the deal and then discover afterwards that they have signed up for serious marriage problems.”

Know what fills your special lady’s love bucket.  Lifestyle changes over the years but the core factors that are the foundation of what is important to you should be explored early on.

#FillTheLoveBucket

Love Definition #lovebucket

October 12th, 2015 Posted in Love Dynamics | No Comments »

What is the Definition of LOVE? Love is the most spectacular, indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.

This comes from the Urban Dictionary with 53,421 “likes up” for this definition at last count.

love urban dictionary Love Definition #lovebucket

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you’re in love, you always want to be together, and when you’re not, you’re thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It’s when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that’s how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.

It’s when they’re the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they’re the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It’s the smile on your face you get when you’re thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you’re in love. If you find it, don’t let it go.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:

That word is love.
-Sophocles

However you define love, fill her love bucket with the love she desires.

The Love Bucket®, 7 Rings of Desire®, Everybody Loves Love®, Sherrie Rose®, The Love Linguist®, Nagging to Naked™ are trademarks of company formerly known as The Love System LLC.© 2008 www.TheLoveSystemLLC.com All Rights Reserved Worldwide. Disclaimers