5 Tips for Better Lover Talk (fill the love bucket)
September 8th, 2009 Posted in The Love Linguist®Applying business strategy and technique to relationships and intimacy many seem cold and calculating. If it works – who cares?
As long as the overall desire for better sex, better communication, better loving is achieved it is all good. In relationship their is trust which comes with some sacrifice – you give up something to get something better. The principles of communication, understanding, love and discipline come from the conscious mindset of a responsive (not reactive) mode of interaction that ultimately leads to RESPECT.
1. Know Your Objective
GET CLARITY: This actually applies to any sort of relationship. Unless you have a clear picture of the end result, your communication won’t be as clear as it could be. This shows up in words, body language, and actions. Ask yourself what you’re trying to achieve with each text message, each interaction, each, conversation. Once you know the objective, you’ll be able to more clearly articulate what you need to get across to your lover, and you’ll be able to identify any superfluous chatter that does not serve the objective.
COMMON GOAL: Having a common goal a priority in your relationship draws you together.
2. Know Your “Customer”
My grandmother often used the phrase “I know my customer” when she served food. She gave each person at the table a plate of food that had specific tastes (whether voiced or observed) for their palate.
You can theoretically know exactly what your lover wants by asking questions, listening and observing actions. The consideration of public and private setting does impact what you “deliver” so adjust accordingly.
Further, depending on the phase of your relationship, your lover will respond differently. Any time the situation changes; you may need to make changes in your approach as well. Obviously the subject matter, time allocated for communication and action, and many other factors also change your approach. Before you start talking, think and figure out what “part of the person” you’re speaking to, and communicate with that part in mind. For example, if the result you want is for her to have a wild night of passionate sex your approach would be different than if you wanted her to come with you visit your parents out of state.
3. Keep it Short
Studies have found that fewer words have more impact.
Attention spans are shorter than ever with so many distractions and competing priorities.
Keep your message as concise as possible.
Of course, if you are listening to a woman, she many just need to download her brain by talking, which means that you don’t have to listen or comprehend every word, just give her your attention.
All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope (editor’s addition: lovematism) – Winston Churchill
4. Make it Memorable
Because only a portion of your communication is actually likely to be remembered, it’s also important to write or talk with with “memorablity” in mind. That means you should build in memorable “sound bits” so your lover is able to get the main gist of your message even if they just hear the sound bits. When it comes to “memorablity”, run on chatter without out pauses are your enemy (women should particularly take note this).
It is nearly impossible to quickly draw out the key points from a long monologue, so when presented with one, many listeners will just dismiss over it automatically because it can’t be absorbed. Make it easier for them to pull out the core points by using descriptive points and topics, highlighting of key points, and “show and tell” with images or diagrams, which can both break up the monotony of monologue and present the same information in a different way that is easier received.
Note: if criticism is involved the brain will probably shut down and listening will stop
5. Embrace Constraints
Every interaction has its own set of constraints when it comes to communication. The most obvious example right now is timing and time. How much time is needed to get the message across? What timing is best? – Time of day, time available, time of mind (mindset state), time of distractions, and other time priorities and circumstances. Things change daily if not hourly. These limits can be seen as a burden, or they can force you to think creatively about how to deliver your message.
Ask for time to speak and get together. Setting a two minute check-in “appointment” on a regular basis to then allocate the time for longer communication keeps the constraints manageable and attention available. If you are constantly being blown off, respect disappears.
The inspiration for this post was from Mashable Social Media describing the web as an entirely different medium, and that web copy needs to be treated with the same respect that design and that user interface elements get. People, relationships, business, intimacy… it is all about RESPECT in the end.
Sherrie Rose is The Love Linguist.
