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Archive for the ‘Attention’ Category

Scientific Proof: 2 basic traits for lasting love relationships

Thursday, December 31st, 2015 Posted in Attention, Dating, Mating, Relating | No Comments »

Only three in ten couples remain in healthy, happy marriages, as noted in the book "The Science of Happily Ever After."

Was there some common toxic issue found in the miserable marriages?

Emily Esfahani interviewed author and psychologist Ty Tashiro who shared the scientific studies conducted at the University of Washington in 1986 by John Gottman and Robert Levenson. With a team of researchers, they had couples attached to electrodes to track their physiology.

The couples spoke about their relationship, such as how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couple’s back home and followed up with them six (6) years later to see if they were still together.

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

The body tells a story that words do not. The disaster couples looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples over time, it was found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

The master couples, showed low physiological arousal, the opposite of the disasters. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

John Gottman elaborated: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”

In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat.

He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. What was discovered was the key “bid” to why some relationships thrive while others languish.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, aka “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a robin outside the window. He may exclaim, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting (a bid) a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the robin.

Every relationship has interactions that are often conversations. The wife can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband. Though the bird-bid might seem minor, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects his interest.

By turning toward your partners to engage the bidder, shows interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy.

So the first scientific trait is attention; whether there is a “turning toward” or “turning away” reaction.  This is how you respond and give attention to your partner.  The active construction response  is the type of attention that fosters a greater connection.

According to Shelly Gable, associate professor of psychology at the University of California-Santa Barbara, an important key to understanding a relationship’s strength is how it works in good times, not just whether it withstands the bad. Partners’ reactions to each other’s good news can better predict the quality of a relationship (and whether it will endure) than can a partners’ reactions to bad news.

The 3 wrong ways and 1 right way: Gable has found that out of four possible ways to respond to a partner’s positive news, only one the "active-constructive response" is good. Couples whose partners react in any of three less positive ways are at greater risk of separating.

Consider the following example Gable gives to illustrate: Your significant other comes home, beaming, and announces that he/she just got a great promotion at work. You could react with:

1. Active-constructive response. "That’s great, you’ve earned it, I’m so proud of you!" followed by questions. Conveys enthusiasm, support, and interest.

2. Passive-constructive response. "Great job, honey!" then shifting to the next topic. Like dinner.

3. Active-destructive response (what Gable dubs "finding the cloud in a silver lining response"). "Wow! Does this mean you’ll be working later hours? Are they going to be paying you more? I can’t believe they picked you out of all the candidates." Generally deflating.

4. Passive-destructive response. Can take either of two forms: "Wow! Wait until I tell you what happened to me today," which is very self-focused, or, "What’s for dinner?"—Ignoring the event altogether.

Positive reactions also magnify the uplifting effects of the good news for the partner who’s doing the sharing, Gable notes. A negative or semi-positive response to a partner’s good news, however, can undercut all the benefits derived from disclosing in the first place, such as fostering trust, intimacy, and satisfaction with the relationship.

Does your partner bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility? Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.

Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. Kindness is a bond that leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship. In some people, the “kindness muscle” is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise.

Kindness is the second basic trait to whether a couple has a lasting relationship.

The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.

If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often. Kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis.

Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy or good news. Is there excitement or disdain? How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness.

Among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.

Kindness_ScienceHappilyEverAfter-tashiro

Break Free Into Bold Intimacy–Now! And Fill The Love Bucket

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013 Posted in Attention, Dating, Mating, Relating, Her Love Bucket, Power Her Passion | No Comments »

You deserve passionate, living, thrilling, creative intimacy with a woman – it creates an upward spiral in your life

… and when you fill her love bucket your life will get better, too!

***

A man of discernment and experience –KNOWS – to love someone is a CONSCIOUS ACTION.

There is a big difference if you are 20 and looking for a woman or 50 and looking for a woman. Experience, maturity, clarity, all affect what kind of woman you will attract into your life.

Love, cherishment – it is a PRACTICE — a practice that you EACH do even when you don’t feel like it. And by practice, I mean filling the love bucket with the actions and filling the desires of the Rings of Desire of The Love Bucket.

Love is a consciously chosen perception.  It is a commitment. And it must go both ways.

Adam, who I wrote about in How to Get a Woman to Do Anything is the creator of The Boldness Code. 

Adam had a fascinating and heart-breaking talk that I will recount, with a very talented and intelligent young man who is around 20 and in a love relationship for almost a year now.

And though he and his girl clearly mean a lot to each other, he finds that every day is like playing that old battery-operated game, Operation.

Why?

You make one tiny wrong move and – ANNNNGH! – she cries. Or she flips out.  She gets angry.  She blames you for hurting her.

And because this young man has a kind and caring heart – he is distracted every day, trying to "fix" what he cannot fix.

Loving somebody when you are a young person is not the same as loving somebody as a man of experience.

When young people talk about loving each other, they are talking about an EMOTION.

They are talking about something they FEEL.

An energy.  A strange gravity.  A hormonal stew in the brain and the balls.

If she’s not playing along with you… That is called triage.  That is called therapy. That is called a recipe for your misery.

Don’t Waste Your Affection on The Wrong Girls

Listen…

Most of the romantic stuff you hear on TV and in popular culture is a lie.

The cult of overblown weddings is a cult of slavery. Adam did not know how to fill the love bucket when he was married. He has two sons so he is not in a protective state over daughters. If you ar divorced, and feeling slightly angry, you may look back at your wedding album and all those drunken slobs and relatives – and think "that" is supposed to remind you of what love is. It’s not.

No matter if you are 20 or 70, you need to fill the love bucket each day. That means daily or at least regular actions to fill the love bucket with a living daily game of playful, engaged one-on-one actions and interaction.

Adam wants to help men, particularly men over 35. He says, screw social rules and customs. They are relics of the past and they are not made for you.

When you don’t cultivate your boldness a man, you’ve sold your freedom for a penny.

The Bold Man creates his own reality.

The Bold Man does not waste his affections on women who are not "in the game" with him, not playing this game of intimacy and passion for mutual growth and evolution.

The Bold Man LOVES to relate, to dig in, to explore what it means to be vulnerable, and true, and in the dirt, and honest and fearless and excruciatingly tender.

The Bold Man is alive to the moment.

And the Bold Woman is thrilled and inspired by him.

Everything’s in motion.

Everything’s vital. Vital, dynamic, pulsing, creative, in-the-moment love and life.

Break Free Into Bold Intimacy – Now with THE BOLDNESS CODE

Boldness TURNS ON women – and when you just start putting the daily techniques and practices I teach you into practice, you will see a change – not only in how women respond to you – but in how you feel about yourself.

Why Laughing Turns Women On . . . (Sexually)

Tuesday, February 19th, 2013 Posted in Attention, Dating, Mating, Relating, The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

A smart man knows . . .

"All girls say they want a guy with humor right? Because  Laughing Turns A Woman On Sexually. Humor is said to be the way to win a girl. But not just any humor. It typically is not the goofy humor of a male where he makes a fool of himself to get laughs. (there’s a reason women hate the three stooges while guys love them). There are certain types of humor can get a woman to find you attractive, right? There must be a pattern or specific style of humor that makes a girl not only laugh but become more attracted to me.”

Here’s the scoop on humor . . .

Why Laughing Turns Women On . . . go watch this video right now!

Exactly What To Say
To Make Her Laugh So Hard

So She Feels ‘Wild Sexual Attraction’ For You…

Even If You’re Not Tall, Rich, Or Good-looking
…And Even If You Don’t Have a Funny Bone In Your Body

laughing

This video shows you what women actually mean when they say they like a guy with a sense of humor . . .

EXACTLY what kind of sense of humor sends a thrill through her whole body . . .

And how to actually turn a woman on by making her laugh.

Powerful stuff.

Watch it now:

Why Laughing Turns Women On . . . check out the video here: http://like2.us/makeherlaugh

Laughing definitely is one way to fill the love bucket and turn her on (sexually)!

Who’s Filling Her Love Bucket? When Her ‘Contact Ring of Desire’ is Shined Up with Digital Age Cheating

Monday, December 10th, 2012 Posted in 7 Rings of Desire, Attention, Dating, Mating, Relating | No Comments »

The 7 Rings of Desire of the Love Bucket do take into account the digital age.  Digital texts, email, social media connections can enhance your CONTACT and shine up that Ring of Desire with flirtation and anticipation.

Because we often spend so much time out of proximity of our partner (which eliminates physical touch) substituting texts and digital contact can help maintain the connection with electronic contact.

But what happens when that innocent digital connection is focused on someone who is not your partner? 

What if your gal is getting her CONTACT Ring of Desire shined up by some other man who is quietly sending texts or chatting with her on Facebook?  Just how much sexual innuendo is in that conversation?

 The Love Bucket Contact Ring of Desire LoveBucketCONTACT-RingofDesire (thelovebucket)

You’ve heard the response ‘just platonic’ when someone is accused of cheating.  The emotional infidelity and emotional cheating is not as clear cut as sexual infidelity when someone steps outside the bounds of a relationship and engages in some form of sexual contact with another person.

John Portmann defends online lust and characterizes cybersex as talk about sex; similar to flirting.  Flirting, for many, is a romantic and sexual gesture and does fill the love bucket.  

An affair is usually a matter of opportunity and the nature of communication and the ability to contact just about anyone anywhere has greatly increased opportunity.  Diverted attention is easy.

People consider their online sexual relationships as real, as they experience psychological states similar to those typically elicited by offline relationships.

When does her (or your) contact with another person border on cheating?  Take this 60-second reality check quiz from Sheri Meyers’ book "Chatting or Cheating" to see whether it’s just chatting or if it’s really cheating (emotional sex).  Questions fall into these three areas: Shared intimacy, Sexual chemistry, and Secrecy and exclusion.

Are you…

Shared Intimacy Questions 
· Exchanging personal, intimate, and confidential information (and/or had offline contact) with an online "friend" that your partner doesn’t know about?

· Giving more and more time, attention and emotional support to your "friend" and less to your partner at home?

· Beginning to emotionally or physically withdraw from your partner, preferring to spend time away, online, talking or texting with your "friend" vs. connecting with your partner?

· Constantly checking to see if your "friend" has made contact and/or are continually trying to come up with ways to connect and have contact?

· Feeling high and happy when connected with your "friend" and low and lonely when you’ve been disconnected for too long?

Sexual Chemistry Questions 
· Finding yourself sexually and/or emotionally aroused when you think about or have contact with your "friend"?

· Sending or receiving flirtatious or sexy emails, texts, photos or videos?

· Doing anything sexual using your webcam (or your imagination)? Having sexy chats? Sharing your sexual fantasies? Masturbating and/or mutually masturbating?

· Imagining you are in bed with your "friend," while making love with your partner?

· Feeling cold when it comes to having sex with your partner? More interested in reading a book, Facebooking, watching TV, or talking to your "friend" then making love with your partner?

Secrecy & Exclusion Questions
· Hiding your correspondence with your "friend" from your partner?

· Becoming secretive or evasive about your activities, changing your passwords, getting new anonymous email addresses, setting up fake profiles, joining a dating or cheating hook-up site?

· Avoiding getting into serious conversations with your partner?

· Pretending you’re single when you’re not?

· Spending a large amount of time (in person or online) talking, sharing, confiding with your friend and not telling your partner about it? Or worse, lying about who you are with?

Who’s Filling Her Love Bucket?

the-love-bucket-registered-trademark-love-bucket-blog

The Love Linguist recommends the book Chatting or Cheating

Love Bucket: The Only Pick-Up Line You’ll Ever Need

Saturday, February 18th, 2012 Posted in Attention, Dating, Mating, Relating, The Man Class Series | No Comments »

In The Man Class Accelerator, there is an awesome interview with Stephen Nash, known as Playboy in the book, The Game.

Now, The Man Class is not simply about dating and picking up women.  In fact, The Man Class is about keeping a good woman happy and filling her love bucket.

Valentine’s is over and the pressure is off, so to speak, but dating continues.  You have to meet her first to fill her love bucket.

To begin dating, a guy needs to have a great conversation starter or pick up line. Your opener is important.  It is the way that you give and get her attention.

Stephen has one that he says works about 90% of the  time.  He said that he grew so weary of the mass amounts of pick up lines and gimmicks that he developed a very simple, elegant and smooth way of approaching women in any/all circumstances.  The following is in Stephen’s own words:

“I noticed you from across the cafe and I had to risk complete embarrassment to meet you. 
My name is Stephen.”

That’s it.

TRY THIS FOR YOURSELF.

Why does it work so well? 

A few reasons:

1) You aren’t overtly hitting on her.  All you say is that you “noticed” her which always piques her interest.  Inevitably, she will reply to your statement with “Well, what did you notice?” (so, be ready for that).

2) You pace the reality of this being slightly awkward and different when you say “risk complete embarrassment”.  She will relax when you say this as it confirms to her that you are aware that this is not the norm.

3) You tell her your name, which is polite WHILE patting yourself on the back a bit by honoring the fact that this is a “risk”.

Does this phrase automatically insure that you get a date with her?  Of course not.  But it does guarantee that you get a conversation with her around 90% of the time.  Women respond to direct, romantic gestures very well…if you do this technique, you will see what I mean.

Being direct conveys a lot of REALLY GOOD things to women.  And, I have found that this technique is the only romantic pick up line that isn’t terribly cheesy and that truly, actually works.

Try it!

guy-meets-girl-pick-up-line

And here’s a list of places to meet women that does not include a bar or club:

1. Seminars/Events

2. Dog Parks

3. Concerts

4. Home Depot

5. Plane or Train Travel

6. Online Chat and Networking

7. Sporting Events

8. 8 at 8 Dinner Party for 8 Strangers

Checkout http://www.eightateight.com/  This site also lists modern pickup lines if you think you need more ammunition than Stephen Nash’s solid one above.

1. “Hey, I love your shoes (or handbag, or coat, etc.)!” Who doesn’t love being complimented?! This is an easy, non-awkward way to start conversation and get brownie points at the same time.

2. “Hi, I would love to get you a drink.” Perfect for when you spot someone in a bar setting. It’s simple and direct. Try not to sound cheesy…it’s pretty easy with this one. And PLEASE, take “no” for an answer. Persistence is not the key here, it just weirds people out and makes everyone uncomfortable.

3. “What kind of dog is that?” Everyone loves talking about their little pal. It shows you’re interested and instantly gives you something to talk about. As e-Harmony says, if you’re feeling brave/witty, add “Does he/she have a phone number?”

4. “Are you single?” I agree, this sounds scary and forward. But after working for a matchmaker, and actually USING this line in real life, I can assure you it’s not as awkward as you might think. If you ask with your most charming smile and maybe even with a little laugh (like you know this is very direct, but you’re going for it!) then if the answer is “no,” most people will be impressed with your straightforward approach.

5. “Nice to meet you, I’m ____ and you’re beautiful!” With a lot of people, flattery will get you everywhere. This approach is again, very direct, but could also brighten someone’s day and your chances of grabbing a date.

7. “How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!” This classic, marginally cheesy pickup line is actually pretty sweet and funny. Who doesn’t enjoy a joke? This can show you don’t take yourself TOO seriously, which in the dating world is definitely a plus.

8. “Excuse me, but you have something on your face,” (when she goes to wipe it off stop her and say) “No, no leave it. It’s beauty.” Ok, this actually made me laugh out loud. Yes, it’s super cheesy, but if a cutie came up to me and said this, I don’t think I could resist. Actually, I might start using this. Watch out, boys!

Basically, most of these fun and direct pickup lines are a great way to start the conversation and involve that person you’ve been eyeing.

eight-at-eight

The Love Bucket®, 7 Rings of Desire®, Everybody Loves Love®, Sherrie Rose®, The Love Linguist®, Nagging to Naked™ are trademarks of company formerly known as The Love System LLC.© 2008 www.TheLoveSystemLLC.com All Rights Reserved Worldwide. Disclaimers