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Archive for the ‘SEX’ Category

Filling The Love Bucket® with deep intimacy

Saturday, April 22nd, 2017 Posted in 7 Rings of Desire, Drive Her Desire, Seduction, SEX | No Comments »

Is deep intimacy is lacking in your relationship?

It is understandable why so few couples reach the level of deep, deep intimacy.

Vulnerability can be downright scary.

Filling The Love Bucket® is an easy concept but their may be obstacles in your way.

Perhaps you’ve been hurt once or many times when you exposed your deepest longings and passions. But chances are you haven’t even come close to experiencing mutual vulnerability in your relationships.

Here are some steps you can take to deepen the intimacy and the Sex Ring of Desire with your partner.

1.  Take baby steps. Don’t share your entire life story when you are new in a relationship. If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, don’t suddenly *spill your guts* about everything you’ve ever thought of, dreamed of, fantasized about. Build your castle one brick at a time.

Whenever you have the opportunity (date night for instance) share maybe one new thing that you’ve never talked about before. Taking your time will not only build trust, it will build a stronger foundation for your relationship to rest upon.

2.  Make time and space for deep sharing. It is hard to share personal thoughts and ideas if you have kids running around or while sitting in the spectator stands at a sports match.

Seek out private places like parks, nature walks, candlelit dining tables or even backyards watching fireflies.  Sometimes having a beverage and/or a snack can help slow you down and give you enough time to begin some important conversations.

3.  Talk about intimate issues. You can’t grow deeply if all you ever talk about is the kids and work. Your sexual life is (or will be if you are working towards that goal) an incredibly important part of cementing you two together. The bonds you build are directly related to how open and honest each of you can be about your intimate desires.

Bringing up "sex talk" can be uncomfortable, can’t it? And depending on how you approach it, the questions and answers might be so vague that you really don’t accomplish much.

One of the best ways I discovered to make these discussions fun and non-threatening is to make our way through a list of questions that someone else wrote so there isn’t that feeling of "I wonder why he/she is asking that question".

Michael has used the experience of helping couples over the last 20 years to create a resource that will help create the deep intimacy you crave.

==> 500 Questions to activate the SEX Ring of Desire

An effective way to go through questions like this is to have them on your night stand or even cut up and put in a jar or box where you pull out one or more to answer.

Deep intimacy takes time and effort to achieve but like building a castle a brick at a time you eventually have a fortress that can weather almost any attack.

LoveBucketSex

Shine up the Sex Ring of Desire and Fill The Love Bucket®!

Sex Ring of Desire of The Love Bucket®

Thursday, February 9th, 2017 Posted in 7 Rings of Desire, SEX, The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

This weekend lovers will be celebrating Valentine’s early and as many couples do, they will be having celebration sex.   Will you fill The Love Bucket® in 2017?

But will your sex be sub-par or mind-bending?  Time to shine up the Sex Ring of Desire…

The-Love-Bucket-Her-Love-Bucket

Here are 3 important factors towards a better sex life.

DEBUNKING SEX MYTHS FOR YOUR PLEASURE

Answer: Yes or no
1) People are "doing what comes naturally" in sex and that’s good.
2) You never got any sex education from your parents, but other people did.
3) Menopause reduces her hormones and lowers her libido.

If you answered Yes to any of these, you have been misguided.
Yes, sex is a natural human ability but only the part about procreation. All the rest… the pleasuring and the recreation (rather than sex for procreation) is all LEARNED.
And if you are not actively learning new pleasuring methods, you are not as good a lover as you can be.|

love-valentines

KNOWLEDGE IS PLEASURE

Probably: You never got any sex education from your parents, but other people did.
Wrong again. Almost everyone I speak to says that their parents never told them anything about sex. They feel like they have been left behind. Like other people know things they don’t know.
Nope.
Your parents might have even tried to talk to you about sex. But think back to when you were a nerdy little teen. Did you even WANT your parents to talk about sex? Doubtful! I’m sure if they tried, you didn’t make it easy.
The reality is that there are a very few places where you can learn the correct information about making love. Porn is NOT the place to learn. That is a $97 billion dollar industry that has one goal – to get men to bust a nut as fast as possible. More than 90% of porn exhibits the degradation of women – women like your sisters, your mother, and your daughters.

See Steamy Sex Ed® Video Collection – the best place I know (besides books, which are dry but informative) to actually SEE how to have hot sex. Check out the video samplers.
So don’t feel alone or different if nobody taught you about sex. Join the club of people DOING something about learning! Get your copy now before they are all snatched up by couples and singles who are going to have the best sex of their lives.

DON’T BE LEFT OUT

False: Menopause reduces her hormones and lowers her libido.
Though it is true that when a woman’s estrogen drops during menopause she can suffer from vaginal tissue dryness and a slackening of her breast tissue. Her skin can also become leathery (all reversible with HRT)… it’s not a death blow to her libido. It doesn’t SNUFF out her libido; it just lowers it a bit. So she has to keep herself sexually active and engorged to counteract the dip in hormones.
There are women all over the globe in their 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and yes, 90s who are having great sex. They just keep their equipment engorged and have a mindset that loves sex.
To give up one’s sexuality under the limiting belief that menopause kills your sex drive is utter bullshit.
I’ve written reams on hormones, on using lubrication, and on pussy massage to keep her vulva robust and turned on.
Bottom line: Use it or lose it.
Pussy massages are the antidote for a dried up vulva.
What could you possibly have or do that would be more personally satisfying than becoming an even more masterful lover?

Go check out the video samplers now (link above), then decide that you want to get a copy before Susan runs out of DVDs (also available digitally). 

Make this Valentine’s Day Celebration Sex Spectacular!  Fill The Love Bucket®

Love-the-love-bucket

This New Year’s Pin Her To The Wall And DO HER

Saturday, December 31st, 2016 Posted in 7 Rings of Desire, SEX, The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

This New Year’s Pin Her To The Wall And Do Her

That fine line between being too sexually aggressive and having enough "masculine sexual leadership" to satisfy her can be steered in the right direction when you have a good understanding of how to create "polarity."

Women wish all the time, "How do I get him to take control in the bedroom?"

Women want to surrender to passion.

Women want to ride his ride.

Women want to be thrown up against the wall and kissed. And much more….

Make her New Year’s Eve one that she will remember.

But guys are wary about getting in trouble so they shy away from giving it to their lady. Don’t be this guy.

But there’s a LOT you can do to generate the kind of animalistic desire irrespective of whether you’re the masculine or the feminine…

Polarity is the magnetic attraction of the masculine for the feminine and vice versa.

When a man knows how to make his lady feel like a sexy woman, the sex gets really HOT. The Sex Ring of Desire of The Love Bucket® wants to be filled.
LoveBucketSex

Here are a bunch of ideas in this new video from Susan that you can learn if you are a guy, or if you’re a woman, you can explain them to your guy and invite him to try them:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wexg9EtZWds

This is great to listen to if you are a man or woman. Women, help your guy know what’s safe to do to you and what your boundaries are so he can really DO you up right!

A lot of men like the woman to take the initiative. Guys man up and go first, then switch. Over time, she will be comfortable enough to switch roles and take the lead. All in good time.

It really is best if the masculine starts first and lets the feminine follow. After all you want to wear the pants and take off the pants and show her and give her what you’ve got!

Happy New Years and Here’s to Your HOT SEX!!

4 Things Every Woman Wants In A Man

Tuesday, December 20th, 2016 Posted in 7 Rings of Desire, Drive Her Desire, SEX, The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

4 Things Every Woman Wants In A Man

While every woman is different, there are certain things about a man that will make any woman take notice, and make her decide she wants to get to know you on a deeper level (and probably sleep with you).

If you want to win the right woman’s heart and fill her love bucket, you need to know what it is that makes a woman go from just feeling casual about dating you to wanting and needing you on a deeper level.  I’m going to take you inside a woman’s mind you so you understand what it takes to trigger this kind of connection.

And I’m talking about a woman of substance – one who is mature and grounded on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level. They are on a great path and open to growing on a deeply personal level.  I’m betting that’s exactly why you’re on this site: to find a quality kind of guy – a real woman looking for a real relationship.

So what does a woman want in a man?

(1) A Woman of Substance Wants A Man Who Is Playful
There’s something that drives women wild and invites them into a deeper level of “connection” – that is play.
To keep live interesting you need to be active and to play. What activities can you enjoy together that may be fun and possibly a little competitive? Play that brings out the tantalizing tease and touch of playful sarcasm here and there – and you’ll really ramp up the attraction and interest. Get her love bucket all stirred up!

(2) A Woman of Substance Wants A Man Who Is Independent
Lots of men believe that women are looking for a “strong” man, and it’s true. A man who can inspire a woman to make you feel like you are smarter and more powerful man.

She has great things going on her own life. You need a definite purpose in your own life and one that she can respect and support.
It is up to you as man to balance her independence and success. The best way to communicate this to a woman is to stay busy in your own life and not suddenly make her your world.  Don’t drop your own interests, responsibilities, and friends just to be with her.  Then, when you are with her, really BE with her – have fun and give your attention to her and what you’re doing together. What matters to a woman is that, you, as a man still have space in your life for a great relationship and you’re grounded and present when you’re with her.

(3) A Woman of Substance Wants A Man Who Is Emotionally Mature
If a woman feels attracted to a man, eventually there’s going to be a situation that comes up where you and a woman will see something differently and misunderstandings occur.
How will you respond to this and share your feelings?

A man who has the maturity to not blame or criticize a woman for what she’s feeling, but to share his feelings in an honest and authentic way that helps a woman better understand him will be attractive to a woman of substance. How a man handles her emotions is one of the most important things women look for when deciding whether or not to get serious with a man. Note, as a man, if she lets her emotions get out of control, this is a big red flag to you.

On the other hand, if you can present your feelings to her in a calm, non-dramatic, non-blaming manner, she will win your respect and you’ll make her feel like you’re the kind of man who will be a real partner to her.  She’ll see that you can handle things with a cool head rather than having to retreat from your tantrum.

(4) A Woman of Substance Wants A Man She’s Intensely Attracted To (Physical Passion)
Fact: No one wants to be in a relationship where there is no passion or physical attraction.

Relax and let things happen naturally. Make sure you do and say things that interject fun and humor into your relationship from the very start.  There’s nothing more appealing to a woman than a great man who knows how to relax and have fun and make her laugh!

You can do this through playful teasing, flirting, humor, and being with good surprises. Ask her questions about what makes her tick and what are her dreams? Once you’re in a relationship, don’t be afraid to mix things up.  Get out of the routine and suggest something completely different like a hike to a new area or a picnic on the beach.  Changing things up keeps the relationship fun for both of you, and being a man who is open to new experiences is very attractive to her.

The Sex Ring of Desire of The Love Bucket® is a very powerful desire!
LoveBucketSex

Sexologist Talks about being Monogamish

Thursday, October 27th, 2016 Posted in SEX | No Comments »

We are in a time of crisis. We have a global epidemic on our hands and it’s airborne. That’s what Jessica O’Reilly says.

It affects the young and the old and knows no geographical bounds. Now, this problem is not unlike other widespread crises, the economy, climate change for instance.

But this crisis effects more of us, in a more personal and perceptible fashion. It tears families apart.

It takes the most detrimental toll on the most vulnerable among us and it’s contagious. It’s spreading.

Yet somehow, we’re captivated by it. I’m talking about the crisis of the modern monogamous marriage.

jennifer

Now, if I were to make you an offer in any realm of your life, would you take it?

If I said, invest in my fund, there’s a per cent chance you’ll see a return. Or sign this business deal, you’ve got a percent chance of failure, but hey, why not?

Or hop on this flight, you’ve got a shot at making it to your destination safely. Even if I offered you two free checked bags, you’d probably say no.

But the modern monogamous marriage offers even lower statistical odds when you factor in divorce rates and the rates of infidelity.

Now, in North America, divorce rates are over 50 percent, higher, if you count your second and third marriages. In my family sometimes we go on even above three. Four, five, and six. You know already about my husband’s fights because of Riaz.

So I might as well divulge some info.

Infidelity rates in North America are between 30 and 60 percent, depending on who’s asking and who drank their truth serum this morning. And research suggests that satisfaction rates in marriage plummet after the honeymoon phase, never to recover.

Scary.

Now, many young people are actually opting not to get married. Marriage rates are on the decline. Maybe because they’ve heard that research shows that married people are, in fact, no happier than their single counterparts.

And have you heard of mate poaching?

Apparently, percent of men – shame, shame – and percent of women – we’re not better, not much better – have tried to woo someone away from their current spouse. What is going on?

So when we combine these statistics, we look at the numbers. We see that in marriage it is in fact a best case scenario.

Marriage is in a time of crisis.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we do away with marriage; I’m a fan of marriage. I even picked one up for myself. I’ve been happily married to my husband for eight years, living with him for 12 .

What I am saying is that marriage is a failure in human design. It doesn’t matter that research says that marriage is good for my health and even better for men’s health, somehow they always win. And it doesn’t matter that we all go into marriage with the most noble of intentions, right?

To live happily ever after, to love our partner unconditionally, to help them grow into the best version of themselves. Because it doesn’t always end up this way. Because of this failure in human design, marriage can be restrictive in personal growth, and even repressive in its demands of absolute monogamy. In any other realm, if we saw failure rates like we see in marriage, we would do something about it. When the markets tumble, we do something about it; we adjust interest rates, we enact austerity measures, we develop stimulus packages.

Right?

If a car malfunctions in some way, we issue a recall, so that we can repair it. And if a superbug is unresponsive to a current vaccination, we go back to the lab to develop a new formulation. When something doesn’t work, when anything doesn’t work, we innovate. So why do we accept the monogamous marriage in its current form, despite its design flaws?

Could our relationships not benefit from a stimulus package?

A temporary recall. Just overnight. Isn’t it time we go back to the lab to dissect the issues, challenge the failing norm, and innovate? Now, some couples have already done this. They reject monogamy altogether. Swingers for instance, I know a lot of them. Surprise, surprise, the sexologist says. They have sex with other people and it works for them.

Polyamorous have emotional, intimate, loving, and sexual relationships with multiple partners and it works for them. And open relationships come in a huge range of forms that are custom designed by every couple or threesome or foursome, or moresome, however it comes. Now, I know many couples for whom open relationships have worked, Rosa and Dan for instance. After years of marriage, they said, "Something’s gotta give." Their words, not mine.

So they decided to open their relationship up and now they have lovers across North America, and they couldn’t be happier. But like monogamy, open relationships only work for a very small number of people.

An estimated four to five, not , four to five percent have tried it with a good degree of success.

The problem with open relationships is that most of us just don’t want one. We’re okay with other people being open, but we don’t want to share our partners. Happily ever after with one true soul mate has been too firmly ingrained in our sub-consciousness, since birth. So what we’ve determined so far is that over here we have the monogamous. Monogamy works for a small number of people. Over here we have the non-monogamous, and that works for an even smaller percentage of people. And the rest of us, we fall somewhere in between.

It affects the young and the old and knows no geographical bounds. Now, this problem is not unlike other widespread crises, the economy, climate change for instance.

But this crisis effects more of us, in a more personal and perceptible fashion. It tears families apart.

It takes the most detrimental toll on the most vulnerable among us and it’s contagious. It’s spreading.

Yet somehow, we’re captivated by it. I’m talking about the crisis of the modern monogamous marriage.

Now, if I were to make you a  offer in any realm of your life, would you take it?

If I said, invest in my fund, there’s a per cent chance you’ll see a return. Or sign this business deal, you’ve got a percent chance of failure, but hey, why not?

Or hop on this flight, you’ve got a  shot at making it to your destination safely. Even if I offered you two free checked bags, you’d probably say no.

But the modern monogamous marriage offers even lower statistical odds when you factor in divorce rates and the rates of infidelity.

Now, in North America, divorce rates are over 50 percent, higher, if you count your second and third marriages. In my family sometimes we go on even above three. Four, five, and six. You know already about my husband’s fights because of Riaz.

So I might as well divulge some info.

Infidelity rates in North America are between and percent, depending on who’s asking and who drank their truth serum this morning. And research suggests that satisfaction rates in marriage plummet after the honeymoon phase, never to recover.

Scary.

Now, many young people are actually opting not to get married. Marriage rates are on the decline. Maybe because they’ve heard that research shows that married people are, in fact, no happier than their single counterparts.

And have you heard of mate poaching?

Apparently, percent of men – shame, shame – and percent of women – we’re not better, not much better – have tried to woo someone away from their current spouse. What is going on?

So when we combine these statistics, we look at the numbers. We see that in marriage it is in fact a best case scenario.

Marriage is in a time of crisis.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we do away with marriage; I’m a fan of marriage. I even picked one up for myself. I’ve been happily married to my husband for eight years, living with him for 12 .

What I am saying is that marriage is a failure in human design. It doesn’t matter that research says that marriage is good for my health and even better for men’s health, somehow they always win. And it doesn’t matter that we all go into marriage with the most noble of intentions, right?

To live happily ever after, to love our partner unconditionally, to help them grow into the best version of themselves. Because it doesn’t always end up this way. Because of this failure in human design, marriage can be restrictive in personal growth, and even repressive in its demands of absolute monogamy. In any other realm, if we saw failure rates like we see in marriage, we would do something about it. When the markets tumble, we do something about it; we adjust interest rates, we enact austerity measures, we develop stimulus packages.

Right?

If a car malfunctions in some way, we issue a recall, so that we can repair it. And if a superbug is unresponsive to a current vaccination, we go back to the lab to develop a new formulation. When something doesn’t work, when anything doesn’t work, we innovate. So why do we accept the monogamous marriage in its current form, despite its design flaws?

Could our relationships not benefit from a stimulus package?

A temporary recall. Just overnight. Isn’t it time we go back to the lab to dissect the issues, challenge the failing norm, and innovate? Now, some couples have already done this. They reject monogamy altogether. Swingers for instance, I know a lot of them. Surprise, surprise, the sexologist says. They have sex with other people and it works for them.

Polyamorous have emotional, intimate, loving, and sexual relationships with multiple partners and it works for them. And open relationships come in a huge range of forms that are custom designed by every couple or threesome or foursome, or moresome, however it comes. Now, I know many couples for whom open relationships have worked, Rosa and Dan for instance. After years of marriage, they said, "Something’s gotta give." Their words, not mine.

So they decided to open their relationship up and now they have lovers across North America, and they couldn’t be happier. But like monogamy, open relationships only work for a very small number of people.

An estimated four to five, not , four to five percent have tried it with a good degree of success.

The problem with open relationships is that most of us just don’t want one. We’re okay with other people being open, but we don’t want to share our partners. Happily ever after with one true soul mate has been too firmly ingrained in our subconsciousness, since birth. So what we’ve determined so far is that over here we have the monogamous. Monogamy works for a small number of people. Over here we have the non-monogamous, and that works for an even smaller percentage of people. And the rest of us, we fall somewhere in between.

So what about the rest of us?

Cheating isn’t an option.

I’m not even going to go there. So how do we find our happily ever after? Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests, I submit to you that the solution is to consider the gray area of the monogamish.

This term has been around for some time. I remember hearing it as a kid when I shouldn’t have been listening to my parents friends back in the s, but it became popularized by sex columnists, Dan Savage, more recently.

And Dan used this term to describe his relationship in which he is emotionally, and practically, and lovingly monogamous with his partner, but sexually they’re allowed to do other things. So to me, that’s more of an open relationship.

So what I suggest is that we fine-tune the term – the philosophy of monogamish – to make it more accessible to the rest of us, who fall into this gray area.

Let’s use monogamish to take the monotony out of monogamy in a way that preserves the sanctity, the safety, and the comfort of our relationships.

So, monogamish, what might this look like?

Monogamish couples might look to extramarital sources for sexual stimulation.

But only in thought, not in action. So if I’m monogamish, there might have been a volunteer backstage that was kinda cute. So I took a second look.

I hope I didn’t make him uncomfortable, never making him uncomfortable. I might have had a break and thought about him a little. I might think about him later tonight.

But I’m never going to act upon that thought. And this thought and thoughts like it

that are forbidden in so many monogamous relationships, admitting to this thought serves to further stabilize my relationship because when we put these forbidden thoughts

out in the open, we serve to reduce their power, and we decrease the likelihood that we’ll actually act upon them.

So, we have thought, but not action, and then we have talk, but not touch. So monogamish couples might look to extramarital sources for sexual arousal and pleasure in a talk format with no touch.

Flirting with other people comes to mind as a really good example of this.

So, bear with me a moment. Picture this you’re at a bar, you’re with you partner. Say you’re with your husband. And there’s a waitress and she’s kinda cute. Not too cute.

We all have our limits. So you tease him a little "She’s really cute, isn’t she? I think she was checking you out.

You look hot tonight, Babe." She totally wasn’t checking him out,

but they all like a good stroking of the ego. With your coaxing, maybe, he even flirts with her a little. Maybe you get in on that flirting, too.

Obviously showing her the utmost respect and respect for your relationship. At the end of the night, you go home together, you and your husband, not the waitress.

Let’s be clear here. You go home and you continue the fantasy. You weave it in the bedroom.

You even talk about having a threesome. "Oh Babe, you look so hot tonight. I totally want to bring her home with us. Yeah, I’d love to, absolutely, don’t you want four hands on you? Can’t you imagine, I’d love to share you."

It’s just talk. You pull out all the stops.

You drive him into a frenzy and then you both get off, you have a great time.

When you’re done, you take him by the hand and look him in the eye and you say,

"Don’t even think about it."

And he knows and says, "Of course not, Babe, that was amazing, thank you.

You’re all I want. Can I get you anything, a beer or a cheeseburger?"

Isn’t that how it should always end? Alright. You break the norms of rigid monogamy without ever touching another person.

It’s just talk.

All the flirting, all the fantasy, the four hands, the waitress. You’re never going to that bar again, by the way. So one shot deal. It’s just talk, nothing more. Now, we have thought, but not action.

We have talk, but not touch.

And then we have couples, who make this foray into monogamish territory, and they love it.

They relish in it, and they say, "You know what? Things have never been better.

Let’s take it to another level." Those couples might decide, "Let’s go to a strip club.

Let’s get a couple of lap dances." A few years later, maybe they work their way into the back room, the champagne room. I don’t even know what goes on in there.

Maybe they love the dirty talk element and they want to bring a third person in, but they don’t want the threat of a real live person in the flesh. So they call a phone sex line together.

I know, it’s not, but they still exist. And they make a lot of money, it’s a profitable industry.

Maybe they know someone who is a swinger, and they’ve been invited to swinger parties.

Now, they do not want to swing, but they like the idea of the environment, of being around this kind of erotic element; the edge, the sights, the sounds, the smells.

Not the smells, forget that. Just the sights, and the sounds, and the energy.

What we have to remember is that monogamish is a mindset, not a manner.

You make it what you choose. If the strip club doesn’t appeal to you, don’t go. If the idea of flirting with a real live person seems just too risky,

don’t do it. Maybe you opt instead to sign into a chat room together or use a cam service for a little bit of nighttime fun on a Saturday night.

There is no universal formula for happily ever after.

And there’s no formula for monogamish. I’m simply suggesting that we might benefit from considering options beyond the rigid norm of monogamy.

So now, you’re thinking, "Okay, monogamish sounds good, I love strippers."

Right?

And now guys don’t even have six-packs, they have eight-packs. It doesn’t sound bad.

You’re thinking, "This sounds okay, but how do I get over my insecurities?

How do I deal with the jealousy? Part of me would want to tear that sort-of-cute waitress’s hair out. Or I don’t want this ripped guys grinding up on my wife.

I can’t handle that. I gained weight during her pregnancy, had a lot of cravings. Can’t expect a man to have a six-pack after pregnancy, right?

So these are all valid concerns. I can’t help you with the six-pack, but every couple deals with these jealousies, these insecurities, these challenges, in their very own way.

Some take baby steps. They don’t dive into monogamish, they do it a little bit at a time. They might start by simply admitting to which celebrities they find attractive.

It could take them years to work their way up to actually divulging their deepest, darkest fantasies. But these years, that process, is what makes it hot. A little bit of fear and anxiety, balanced with love, comfort, and security is the perfect recipe, not only for love, but for lust.

Other couples, in addition to taking baby steps, they decide to compartmentalize their monogamish element of their relationship. They say, "I really like our relationship as it is.

I love a little bit of monogamish, but not too much." So maybe, they make a rule that they only talk about fantasies that include other people on special occasions.

Or Tuesdays, or the month of March, whatever works for them.

Maybe they love the idea of flirting with other people because flirting is so much fun, it brings out the sexual animal in you, it boosts your self-esteem and it can actually be kind of hot to watch your partner flirt with someone else, under the right consensual circumstances.

But maybe they only do this once a year, when they’re on vacation. Or maybe that bar with the waitress is just too close to home, so they only do it when they’re together at least miles from their hometown; whatever works for them. Some couples, they go after monogamish and they push their boundaries too far and they end up regretting it, but regret is not tantamount to disaster. Mistakes are the most important learning and growth opportunities in a relationship.

When we think of monogamish or we think of relationships, you can think of it as a rubber band.

You can stretch it in this direction, but it still goes back to its solid form.You can stretch it over here, and it doesn’t mean that you ever have to do it again if you don’t like it.

And if you stretch it this way, it doesn’t mean that the next time – the next day, next month, next year – that you have to pull it further.

In fact, you may not want to because it can snap. What we have to know is that progress and relationships are elastic. They are not rigid. Now, as we look at monogamish, we can’t just look at anecdote and conjecture, we also have to look at the science of why monogamish relationships might be the panacea we seek in response to this epidemic of the failing monogamous marriage.

There are, of course, no universal set of rules for a successful relationship.

However, there are some components that tend to be present in happy, lasting marriages.

The first is habit-formed, emotional expression. Scientists like to sound fancy. It means talking.

Talking about your feelings. The good, the bad and the ugly. Admit when you’re jealous,

admit when you’re feeling a little bit off. This is important. The second involves a balance between connectivity and freedom. It is all based in self-expansion theory.

The self-expansion theory explains that we are most happy in our relationships when our partners offer us opportunities for growth. Humans; we’re animals, and we’re programmed to seek change, to seek novelty. We have a hunger for it. And when our partners feed this hunger, we are more happy with them and more attracted to them. Now, the third component of a happy relationship is an active sex life. An active sex life doesn’t mean that you need to be swinging from chandeliers or doing it every day,

or every week, or every month. It just means that you put some effort into your sex life.

Even the Pope and the Catholic cardinals and the bishops know this. Do you know why?

Last week at the Vatican, these celibate men had a symposium on marriage.

They got together to discuss what makes a marriage work, but they did invite in experts.

And one expert couple from Australia, who has been married for years, told this group of entirely celibate men that their sex life has been, and continues to be, of paramount importance.

Very interesting to me.

Now, in my job, I work with couples from all around the world, thousands per year.

And what I’ve seen is that when couples consider opening up their definition of monogamy, even in the smallest of ways, it forces their relationship to thrive on these core elements.

Emotional expression, connectivity balanced with freedom, and an active sex life become the norm, as soon as you start to see monogamy along a continuum.  We need to update and get a new set of rules for marriage.

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