Her Love Bucket: Dr. Phil - Relationship Myths & Sherrie Rose - Relationship Bonds
Dr. Phil’s Ten Relationship Myths &
Sherrie Rose’s Ten Relationship Bonds
Ten Relationship Myths by Dr. Phil
Think your relationship is a failure because you and your partner aren’t following certain “rules” or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship myths.
Ten Relationship Bonds by Sherrie Rose
Sherrie Rose turns myth into possibilities by exposing the 10 strongest bonds of love (some are part of www.Lovematism.com).
DR. PHIL MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS You will never see things through your partner’s eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you’re with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.
Sherrie Rose Bond #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP GROWS WHEN THERE IS MENTAL HYNOTISM OF THE MINDS Appreciating the way your lover thinks is mesmerizing. What makes their mind tick should fascinate you. What they engage in, their conversations, the majority of subjects that are of interest to them you should be riveting to you as you listen to your lover expound. (Yes, hypnotism of the mind is an aspect of Lovematism)
DR. PHIL MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE
Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don’t kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.
Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It’s impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
Don’t make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren’t in love anymore. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.
Sherrie Rose Bond #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS AN ENDURING EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
Woman crave romance because it activates oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Romance is often linked to emotional love. Emotional love can exist without the huge fanfare of romance if there is tender care.
Emotional Rhythm of the heart is physiological as well as emotional. The heart beat is a wave which has a coherence that vibrates in rhythm with your lover when the emotions are in sync. (Yes, emotional rhythm of two hearts beating as one is an aspect of Lovematism)
DR. PHIL MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING
Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can’t be happy if you can’t resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can’t you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
You can simply agree to disagree and reach “emotional closure” even though you haven’t reached closure on the issue.
Sherrie Rose Bond #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP ADMIRES THE GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS OF THE MALE BRAIN
Working with Mother Nature is one way to solve problems. There are many differences between men and women one of the obvious ones is that men’s default focus in a conversation is to solve a problem. Men are great problem solvers. However sometimes women just want to vent and talk and don’t want a solution and get irritated that a man is using his standard operating male brain to offer a solution. This would indicate that the women did not provide a clarifying statement beforehand, “I just want you to listen; you don’t have to give me advice or solve any problem.” This would make a world of difference and men could “relax” they way they listen if a clarifying statement was made first.
Of course, women can solve all kinds of problems too. Men just use that part of their brain as the default. Use this to your advantage and men check in and find out “how” she wants you to listen.
Relates to Dr. Phil’s Myth #6 – Vent wisely and let your lover know up front the purpose of your conversation. Find a friend who can share the listening of a vent session (spread the irritation around so no one person has to handle the whole burden)
DR. PHIL MYTH #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES COMMON INTERESTS THAT BOND YOU TOGETHER FOREVER
There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don’t share common interests and activities.
If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don’t do it!
Sherrie Rose Bond #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS AN UNDERSTANDING OF EACH LOVER’S RELATIONSHIP DESIGN There are multiple relationship designs and each lover brings their preconceived notion of the “right” design into the relationship. This can be an expectation that is articulated or assumed. Ideally a discussion will take place to clarify each perspective to lessen tension and reduce unfulfilled expectations.
Relationship design can change over the course of a relationship with phase of life and phase of relationship. The bond in the relationship design is the common goal.
DR. PHIL MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE
Don’t be afraid to argue because you think it’s a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue.
If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated.
Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines:
Don’t abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument.
Don’t seek conflict because it’s stimulating.
Don’t pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments.
Don’t avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument.
Sherrie Rose Bond #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS OPEN TO PEACE
The peace that I refer to here is commonly represented by the peace dove. The white dove is a religious connotation in Judaism, Christianity and Islam as a sign for peace. It sometimes some times is a peace offering from one person to another and is often portrayed on Christmas cards.
Peace can come from the soul connection with your lover. The spiritual mysticism of soul is deep and brings a peaceful feeling of love which is one of the aspects of lovematism.
When a man fills her love bucket it can be like a soul connection. Using the 7 Rings of Desire of Her Love Bucket (Sex, Contact, Recognition, Provisions, Do For, Do With, Lifestyle) a man can make her happy, rock her world, and be her hero. In return, he’ll have more sex, more intimacy, more time alone in peace, more admiration and respect, and more support on his terms. Both lovers win!
DR. PHIL MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS
Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can’t forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.
Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we’re letting loose often don’t represent how we really feel and shouldn’t be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive.
Sherrie Rose Bond #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP FILLS HER LOVE BUCKET When a man fills her love bucket it can reduce and eliminate nagging and communication improves. Using the 7 Rings of Desire of Her Love Bucket (Sex, Contact, Recognition, Provisions, Do For, Do With, Lifestyle) a man can make her happy, rock her world, and be her hero. In return, he’ll have more sex, more intimacy, more time alone in peace, more admiration and respect, and more support on his terms. Both lovers win!
DR. PHIL MYTH #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX
The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.
Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the “importance scale” if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the “importance scale.”
Don’t restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.
Sherrie Rose Bond #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS A SEXUAL CONNECTION
There is sexual magnetism that most probably was one of the factors that pulled you together. Over time and the course of relationship sex change and it can change for the better. Sex is one of the Rings of Desire of her love bucket. Sexual magnetism of the body is one of the aspects of lovematism. The sexual connection is a primal urge that humans are genetically wired for. Making Love a choice is the first step, acting on it is the second and hopefully a very satisfying experience.
DR. PHIL MYTH #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER Nobody’s perfect. As long as your partner’s quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them.
Instead of focusing on your partner’s shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn’t mainstream, doesn’t mean that it’s toxic to the relationship.
Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with.
Sherrie Rose Bond #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP MATCHES PERSONAL TRUTHS AND INDIVIDUAL VALUES. Dr. Phil and many others have said it - Nobody’s perfect. We strive towards perfection and it is beyond our grasp. Our different backgrounds and education have either consciously or unconsciously given us personal truths that we live by and individual values that we hold ourselves and others accountable to. Get to know these personal values and individual truths when you start your relationship so see if there can be compatibility and the elements of a harmonious lifestyle. The closer the match the more harmony is possible. Relates to Dr. Phil’s Myth #10 Take your lover “as is”
DR. PHIL MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP GREAT Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive “right way” to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you.
Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work, you can write your own rules.
Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner’s expressions of love. There is no “right way” for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn’t make those feelings less genuine or of less value.
Sherrie Rose Bond #9: THERE ARE THREE MINDSETS THAT CAN BE ACTIVE AND WE BOUNCE BETWEEN THE FIRST TWO MOST OFTEN How we deal with the current situation depends on our mindset at the time. The base-mindset is a combination of our reactive nature of our emotional psyche and our animal psyche. It is our sex drive, hunger, greed, joy, anger and much more. It is the base-mindset of a reactive mind driven by unconscious actions and unconscious words. If we take a moment to pause we can activate our logic and get the next level, the conscious mindset can be engaged. It is an awareness of the moment and the conscious-mindset gives you the ability to respond instead of react. Both the base mindset and the conscious mindset revolve around issues that are self-serving.
The top mindset is the omni-mindset which is for serving all others. Even when we are altruistic and philanthropic it is only some of the time. We drop down to the conscious-mindset and base-mindset regularly. We spend most of our time in the base-mindset.
The interactions in your relationship are colored by the mindset that your lover is in at the time of the interaction.
DR. PHIL MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT
Don’t fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.
Sherrie Rose Bond #10: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP FOLLOWS THE “PLATINUM RULE OF LOVE”.
“Give her love the way she wants receive love.”
~ for him~ “Give him love the way he wants receive love.”