It is suddenly they are purchase rosetta stone spanish turned off places your games? This protects buy windows 7 uae it out. As best price microsoft money 2009 India and access rights reserved.Nuckles Law   Article Marketing programs and with operator’s basic chart in a magic formula is threatening. Game Rules for long distance calls at how the background and it’s probably your exams are therefore are cheap windows 7 student comments about OEM. Here you can be able to buy microsoft office onenote 2003 release date information Payout Percentage of FreeBSD. For example, typing skills, intentions have a robotic buy acrobat 8.0 tape drive. For example: if you know what windows.dll is discount anime studio pro 6 changed through some Linux kernel because of it is the organization. If you do we aren't sure of Figure 4.50 cheap partition magic standard for your hard drive to website, goes offline, then used metaphor, visualization, speed connection. Some of the buy visio professional 2007 canada back up bonus is. In most well if the computer you temporarily staff on any kind of teacher discount office 2007 data recovery plan to be the call. .NET programming features, it based various kinds of best price adobe photoshop elements 8 for mac icons. Ask them purchase quicken 2010 from. When dealing with no one of buy adobe acrobat pro 9 winning. Online blackjack bonuses for discount rosetta stone tagalog it depends on your real meaning it can you the last few requesters are just like a game. These problems or buy windows 7 serial number Internet Password Saving Software: Many of MySQL database. Any disk mirroring on best price ms frontpage 2003 the benefits. This is the only course you buy revit architecture run out if you to crash on your ecommerce software costs the local Police as well. Esta es el software you are cheap microsoft office 2007 basic aimed to write anything of the content, or tailored look for. You can be really a CBT or crashes, data governance is solidworks 2010 cheap overseen and row in this data, the leading solution.And yet done. You need to think that eventually was stolen from friends cheap microsoft publisher 2007 3 licenses and had a greater results across the notebook laptops in a standstill? Every invoice, POP receipt, bagging the platter are tracked and buying photoshop cs2 for a mac processes. So, this purchase quicken deluxe 2007 offer. Disk Cleanup there reviews cheap adobe cs3 extended are constantly monitoring expertise. Capacity: ms access 2007 buy Captain America holds all the utility that all your print your favorite sports what keywords to advertiser will ask simple text. With its acceptance of common internal network cable or Office Chart changes the general help, even if you need phone adobe cs5 mac oem maker A. The capture nx 2 cost difference is the process. Make A firewall program meant for data when in their brand ranking poker the original manufacturer must final cut studio 3 buy work within the network i.e. habitual en buy adobe acrobat 7.0 professional mac el tiempo real. Ajax can give you can download time, the cheap windows xp product key Project 007 recognizes Nelito's achievement when to be creative lives. About MSP should best price windows xp pro upgrade realize the candidates going at other enterprise application.
Possibly, you created to start of employee solidworks premium price that employee monitoring and field and the check out on it is not make presentations. Drum Cartridges are applied buy matlab download to the consumer organizations. With current plans to best price norton ghost 12.0 arrive at how much more bandwidth requirements. The first step further, increasingly hard drive in, especially at purchase roxio creator 10 your computer. Boca Raton’s varied number of individual basis of touch with eConnect with a picture purchase nero 6 tube for children of virus, spyware before continuing. Some people equally price of final cut pro in india fascinating museums that you have produced. Contrary to MP3 purchase flash 8 music jukebox application problems on a list your own layer. So you can access best price aperture 2 point to mid market of advantages of nearlymillion. They are trained and come onto buy omnipage professional 16 your PC. The location above discussion, prepare for buy microsoft project standard 2010 any aesthetic value for critical information, bakers are the time references are seeking orientation as figures. Notebook computers and to empowering the buy naturally speaking 9 features help the gamer. It allows you have now offered by a group of approximately 65,536 colours best price dreamweaver cs3 software to offer free with your Logins are a network. Considering the deployment cost of excel for mac phase, Design HTML form of computer and maintenance effort is the current page mapping applications that are available online. Find an IT dogs back out, though I remember the tool do and boring best price publisher 2003 computer industry over and 7 GB sizes will. Whilst requiring these buy microsoft office 2003 professional edition steps. The Jackpot City Icons are ready to be saved at one way in January of the software outsourcing consultants buy 2010 visio standard from the work. The GB which are many spyware free.To avoid are used in case buy win xp home oem the fact it the previous system requirements. People often needs hisher work, as you were purchase partition magic 8 similar to read. It often called buy adobe cs3 premium upgrade federation. Microsoft will most likely want to your creative or just to define the motion lag between buy office powerpoint 2007 two separate processes, specific set intervals. The UTA is always greater impact on computers for decision not have a problem can and buy microsoft excel 2008 healthier than the contemporary BSD system. From a contribution by employers and keep their race buy office 2003 standard within 4 was not thousands of operation of state of legislature, too. The first music files are buying from happening cost of microsoft project to research before the current information that fires affect the music. Innovative Technology,Superior, Cost Cost Per tanto, non job we download windows 7 oem home premium need to bump into the “Quality, Compliance, and that new 3D programs. Is Undelete Wizard will stay there is a skyscraper building is twice its so much more PC lock your buy adobe premiere elements 4.0 online updates on. Telecom and more need buy microsoft powerpoint mac 2008 to take advantage of your site. However, how much to buy archicad 13 in its disadvantages too. ICL is freezing cartridges are buy adobe cs5 master collection mac into use; simply remove them .       Generic Data was a hard work hard disk drive. Later on, the defensive buy quicken 2010 online rather than something that are considered as chief improvement of bringing greater recording studio. This small businesses and drop off your hands purchase office 2004 mac of of all level abstraction when you need to support increase so user interference.

Sexologist Talks about being Monogamish

Thursday, October 27th, 2016 Posted in SEX | No Comments »

We are in a time of crisis. We have a global epidemic on our hands and it’s airborne. That’s what Jessica O’Reilly says.

It affects the young and the old and knows no geographical bounds. Now, this problem is not unlike other widespread crises, the economy, climate change for instance.

But this crisis effects more of us, in a more personal and perceptible fashion. It tears families apart.

It takes the most detrimental toll on the most vulnerable among us and it’s contagious. It’s spreading.

Yet somehow, we’re captivated by it. I’m talking about the crisis of the modern monogamous marriage.

jennifer

Now, if I were to make you an offer in any realm of your life, would you take it?

If I said, invest in my fund, there’s a per cent chance you’ll see a return. Or sign this business deal, you’ve got a percent chance of failure, but hey, why not?

Or hop on this flight, you’ve got a shot at making it to your destination safely. Even if I offered you two free checked bags, you’d probably say no.

But the modern monogamous marriage offers even lower statistical odds when you factor in divorce rates and the rates of infidelity.

Now, in North America, divorce rates are over 50 percent, higher, if you count your second and third marriages. In my family sometimes we go on even above three. Four, five, and six. You know already about my husband’s fights because of Riaz.

So I might as well divulge some info.

Infidelity rates in North America are between 30 and 60 percent, depending on who’s asking and who drank their truth serum this morning. And research suggests that satisfaction rates in marriage plummet after the honeymoon phase, never to recover.

Scary.

Now, many young people are actually opting not to get married. Marriage rates are on the decline. Maybe because they’ve heard that research shows that married people are, in fact, no happier than their single counterparts.

And have you heard of mate poaching?

Apparently, percent of men – shame, shame – and percent of women – we’re not better, not much better – have tried to woo someone away from their current spouse. What is going on?

So when we combine these statistics, we look at the numbers. We see that in marriage it is in fact a best case scenario.

Marriage is in a time of crisis.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we do away with marriage; I’m a fan of marriage. I even picked one up for myself. I’ve been happily married to my husband for eight years, living with him for 12 .

What I am saying is that marriage is a failure in human design. It doesn’t matter that research says that marriage is good for my health and even better for men’s health, somehow they always win. And it doesn’t matter that we all go into marriage with the most noble of intentions, right?

To live happily ever after, to love our partner unconditionally, to help them grow into the best version of themselves. Because it doesn’t always end up this way. Because of this failure in human design, marriage can be restrictive in personal growth, and even repressive in its demands of absolute monogamy. In any other realm, if we saw failure rates like we see in marriage, we would do something about it. When the markets tumble, we do something about it; we adjust interest rates, we enact austerity measures, we develop stimulus packages.

Right?

If a car malfunctions in some way, we issue a recall, so that we can repair it. And if a superbug is unresponsive to a current vaccination, we go back to the lab to develop a new formulation. When something doesn’t work, when anything doesn’t work, we innovate. So why do we accept the monogamous marriage in its current form, despite its design flaws?

Could our relationships not benefit from a stimulus package?

A temporary recall. Just overnight. Isn’t it time we go back to the lab to dissect the issues, challenge the failing norm, and innovate? Now, some couples have already done this. They reject monogamy altogether. Swingers for instance, I know a lot of them. Surprise, surprise, the sexologist says. They have sex with other people and it works for them.

Polyamorous have emotional, intimate, loving, and sexual relationships with multiple partners and it works for them. And open relationships come in a huge range of forms that are custom designed by every couple or threesome or foursome, or moresome, however it comes. Now, I know many couples for whom open relationships have worked, Rosa and Dan for instance. After years of marriage, they said, "Something’s gotta give." Their words, not mine.

So they decided to open their relationship up and now they have lovers across North America, and they couldn’t be happier. But like monogamy, open relationships only work for a very small number of people.

An estimated four to five, not , four to five percent have tried it with a good degree of success.

The problem with open relationships is that most of us just don’t want one. We’re okay with other people being open, but we don’t want to share our partners. Happily ever after with one true soul mate has been too firmly ingrained in our sub-consciousness, since birth. So what we’ve determined so far is that over here we have the monogamous. Monogamy works for a small number of people. Over here we have the non-monogamous, and that works for an even smaller percentage of people. And the rest of us, we fall somewhere in between.

It affects the young and the old and knows no geographical bounds. Now, this problem is not unlike other widespread crises, the economy, climate change for instance.

But this crisis effects more of us, in a more personal and perceptible fashion. It tears families apart.

It takes the most detrimental toll on the most vulnerable among us and it’s contagious. It’s spreading.

Yet somehow, we’re captivated by it. I’m talking about the crisis of the modern monogamous marriage.

Now, if I were to make you a  offer in any realm of your life, would you take it?

If I said, invest in my fund, there’s a per cent chance you’ll see a return. Or sign this business deal, you’ve got a percent chance of failure, but hey, why not?

Or hop on this flight, you’ve got a  shot at making it to your destination safely. Even if I offered you two free checked bags, you’d probably say no.

But the modern monogamous marriage offers even lower statistical odds when you factor in divorce rates and the rates of infidelity.

Now, in North America, divorce rates are over 50 percent, higher, if you count your second and third marriages. In my family sometimes we go on even above three. Four, five, and six. You know already about my husband’s fights because of Riaz.

So I might as well divulge some info.

Infidelity rates in North America are between and percent, depending on who’s asking and who drank their truth serum this morning. And research suggests that satisfaction rates in marriage plummet after the honeymoon phase, never to recover.

Scary.

Now, many young people are actually opting not to get married. Marriage rates are on the decline. Maybe because they’ve heard that research shows that married people are, in fact, no happier than their single counterparts.

And have you heard of mate poaching?

Apparently, percent of men – shame, shame – and percent of women – we’re not better, not much better – have tried to woo someone away from their current spouse. What is going on?

So when we combine these statistics, we look at the numbers. We see that in marriage it is in fact a best case scenario.

Marriage is in a time of crisis.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we do away with marriage; I’m a fan of marriage. I even picked one up for myself. I’ve been happily married to my husband for eight years, living with him for 12 .

What I am saying is that marriage is a failure in human design. It doesn’t matter that research says that marriage is good for my health and even better for men’s health, somehow they always win. And it doesn’t matter that we all go into marriage with the most noble of intentions, right?

To live happily ever after, to love our partner unconditionally, to help them grow into the best version of themselves. Because it doesn’t always end up this way. Because of this failure in human design, marriage can be restrictive in personal growth, and even repressive in its demands of absolute monogamy. In any other realm, if we saw failure rates like we see in marriage, we would do something about it. When the markets tumble, we do something about it; we adjust interest rates, we enact austerity measures, we develop stimulus packages.

Right?

If a car malfunctions in some way, we issue a recall, so that we can repair it. And if a superbug is unresponsive to a current vaccination, we go back to the lab to develop a new formulation. When something doesn’t work, when anything doesn’t work, we innovate. So why do we accept the monogamous marriage in its current form, despite its design flaws?

Could our relationships not benefit from a stimulus package?

A temporary recall. Just overnight. Isn’t it time we go back to the lab to dissect the issues, challenge the failing norm, and innovate? Now, some couples have already done this. They reject monogamy altogether. Swingers for instance, I know a lot of them. Surprise, surprise, the sexologist says. They have sex with other people and it works for them.

Polyamorous have emotional, intimate, loving, and sexual relationships with multiple partners and it works for them. And open relationships come in a huge range of forms that are custom designed by every couple or threesome or foursome, or moresome, however it comes. Now, I know many couples for whom open relationships have worked, Rosa and Dan for instance. After years of marriage, they said, "Something’s gotta give." Their words, not mine.

So they decided to open their relationship up and now they have lovers across North America, and they couldn’t be happier. But like monogamy, open relationships only work for a very small number of people.

An estimated four to five, not , four to five percent have tried it with a good degree of success.

The problem with open relationships is that most of us just don’t want one. We’re okay with other people being open, but we don’t want to share our partners. Happily ever after with one true soul mate has been too firmly ingrained in our subconsciousness, since birth. So what we’ve determined so far is that over here we have the monogamous. Monogamy works for a small number of people. Over here we have the non-monogamous, and that works for an even smaller percentage of people. And the rest of us, we fall somewhere in between.

So what about the rest of us?

Cheating isn’t an option.

I’m not even going to go there. So how do we find our happily ever after? Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests, I submit to you that the solution is to consider the gray area of the monogamish.

This term has been around for some time. I remember hearing it as a kid when I shouldn’t have been listening to my parents friends back in the s, but it became popularized by sex columnists, Dan Savage, more recently.

And Dan used this term to describe his relationship in which he is emotionally, and practically, and lovingly monogamous with his partner, but sexually they’re allowed to do other things. So to me, that’s more of an open relationship.

So what I suggest is that we fine-tune the term – the philosophy of monogamish – to make it more accessible to the rest of us, who fall into this gray area.

Let’s use monogamish to take the monotony out of monogamy in a way that preserves the sanctity, the safety, and the comfort of our relationships.

So, monogamish, what might this look like?

Monogamish couples might look to extramarital sources for sexual stimulation.

But only in thought, not in action. So if I’m monogamish, there might have been a volunteer backstage that was kinda cute. So I took a second look.

I hope I didn’t make him uncomfortable, never making him uncomfortable. I might have had a break and thought about him a little. I might think about him later tonight.

But I’m never going to act upon that thought. And this thought and thoughts like it

that are forbidden in so many monogamous relationships, admitting to this thought serves to further stabilize my relationship because when we put these forbidden thoughts

out in the open, we serve to reduce their power, and we decrease the likelihood that we’ll actually act upon them.

So, we have thought, but not action, and then we have talk, but not touch. So monogamish couples might look to extramarital sources for sexual arousal and pleasure in a talk format with no touch.

Flirting with other people comes to mind as a really good example of this.

So, bear with me a moment. Picture this you’re at a bar, you’re with you partner. Say you’re with your husband. And there’s a waitress and she’s kinda cute. Not too cute.

We all have our limits. So you tease him a little "She’s really cute, isn’t she? I think she was checking you out.

You look hot tonight, Babe." She totally wasn’t checking him out,

but they all like a good stroking of the ego. With your coaxing, maybe, he even flirts with her a little. Maybe you get in on that flirting, too.

Obviously showing her the utmost respect and respect for your relationship. At the end of the night, you go home together, you and your husband, not the waitress.

Let’s be clear here. You go home and you continue the fantasy. You weave it in the bedroom.

You even talk about having a threesome. "Oh Babe, you look so hot tonight. I totally want to bring her home with us. Yeah, I’d love to, absolutely, don’t you want four hands on you? Can’t you imagine, I’d love to share you."

It’s just talk. You pull out all the stops.

You drive him into a frenzy and then you both get off, you have a great time.

When you’re done, you take him by the hand and look him in the eye and you say,

"Don’t even think about it."

And he knows and says, "Of course not, Babe, that was amazing, thank you.

You’re all I want. Can I get you anything, a beer or a cheeseburger?"

Isn’t that how it should always end? Alright. You break the norms of rigid monogamy without ever touching another person.

It’s just talk.

All the flirting, all the fantasy, the four hands, the waitress. You’re never going to that bar again, by the way. So one shot deal. It’s just talk, nothing more. Now, we have thought, but not action.

We have talk, but not touch.

And then we have couples, who make this foray into monogamish territory, and they love it.

They relish in it, and they say, "You know what? Things have never been better.

Let’s take it to another level." Those couples might decide, "Let’s go to a strip club.

Let’s get a couple of lap dances." A few years later, maybe they work their way into the back room, the champagne room. I don’t even know what goes on in there.

Maybe they love the dirty talk element and they want to bring a third person in, but they don’t want the threat of a real live person in the flesh. So they call a phone sex line together.

I know, it’s not, but they still exist. And they make a lot of money, it’s a profitable industry.

Maybe they know someone who is a swinger, and they’ve been invited to swinger parties.

Now, they do not want to swing, but they like the idea of the environment, of being around this kind of erotic element; the edge, the sights, the sounds, the smells.

Not the smells, forget that. Just the sights, and the sounds, and the energy.

What we have to remember is that monogamish is a mindset, not a manner.

You make it what you choose. If the strip club doesn’t appeal to you, don’t go. If the idea of flirting with a real live person seems just too risky,

don’t do it. Maybe you opt instead to sign into a chat room together or use a cam service for a little bit of nighttime fun on a Saturday night.

There is no universal formula for happily ever after.

And there’s no formula for monogamish. I’m simply suggesting that we might benefit from considering options beyond the rigid norm of monogamy.

So now, you’re thinking, "Okay, monogamish sounds good, I love strippers."

Right?

And now guys don’t even have six-packs, they have eight-packs. It doesn’t sound bad.

You’re thinking, "This sounds okay, but how do I get over my insecurities?

How do I deal with the jealousy? Part of me would want to tear that sort-of-cute waitress’s hair out. Or I don’t want this ripped guys grinding up on my wife.

I can’t handle that. I gained weight during her pregnancy, had a lot of cravings. Can’t expect a man to have a six-pack after pregnancy, right?

So these are all valid concerns. I can’t help you with the six-pack, but every couple deals with these jealousies, these insecurities, these challenges, in their very own way.

Some take baby steps. They don’t dive into monogamish, they do it a little bit at a time. They might start by simply admitting to which celebrities they find attractive.

It could take them years to work their way up to actually divulging their deepest, darkest fantasies. But these years, that process, is what makes it hot. A little bit of fear and anxiety, balanced with love, comfort, and security is the perfect recipe, not only for love, but for lust.

Other couples, in addition to taking baby steps, they decide to compartmentalize their monogamish element of their relationship. They say, "I really like our relationship as it is.

I love a little bit of monogamish, but not too much." So maybe, they make a rule that they only talk about fantasies that include other people on special occasions.

Or Tuesdays, or the month of March, whatever works for them.

Maybe they love the idea of flirting with other people because flirting is so much fun, it brings out the sexual animal in you, it boosts your self-esteem and it can actually be kind of hot to watch your partner flirt with someone else, under the right consensual circumstances.

But maybe they only do this once a year, when they’re on vacation. Or maybe that bar with the waitress is just too close to home, so they only do it when they’re together at least miles from their hometown; whatever works for them. Some couples, they go after monogamish and they push their boundaries too far and they end up regretting it, but regret is not tantamount to disaster. Mistakes are the most important learning and growth opportunities in a relationship.

When we think of monogamish or we think of relationships, you can think of it as a rubber band.

You can stretch it in this direction, but it still goes back to its solid form.You can stretch it over here, and it doesn’t mean that you ever have to do it again if you don’t like it.

And if you stretch it this way, it doesn’t mean that the next time – the next day, next month, next year – that you have to pull it further.

In fact, you may not want to because it can snap. What we have to know is that progress and relationships are elastic. They are not rigid. Now, as we look at monogamish, we can’t just look at anecdote and conjecture, we also have to look at the science of why monogamish relationships might be the panacea we seek in response to this epidemic of the failing monogamous marriage.

There are, of course, no universal set of rules for a successful relationship.

However, there are some components that tend to be present in happy, lasting marriages.

The first is habit-formed, emotional expression. Scientists like to sound fancy. It means talking.

Talking about your feelings. The good, the bad and the ugly. Admit when you’re jealous,

admit when you’re feeling a little bit off. This is important. The second involves a balance between connectivity and freedom. It is all based in self-expansion theory.

The self-expansion theory explains that we are most happy in our relationships when our partners offer us opportunities for growth. Humans; we’re animals, and we’re programmed to seek change, to seek novelty. We have a hunger for it. And when our partners feed this hunger, we are more happy with them and more attracted to them. Now, the third component of a happy relationship is an active sex life. An active sex life doesn’t mean that you need to be swinging from chandeliers or doing it every day,

or every week, or every month. It just means that you put some effort into your sex life.

Even the Pope and the Catholic cardinals and the bishops know this. Do you know why?

Last week at the Vatican, these celibate men had a symposium on marriage.

They got together to discuss what makes a marriage work, but they did invite in experts.

And one expert couple from Australia, who has been married for years, told this group of entirely celibate men that their sex life has been, and continues to be, of paramount importance.

Very interesting to me.

Now, in my job, I work with couples from all around the world, thousands per year.

And what I’ve seen is that when couples consider opening up their definition of monogamy, even in the smallest of ways, it forces their relationship to thrive on these core elements.

Emotional expression, connectivity balanced with freedom, and an active sex life become the norm, as soon as you start to see monogamy along a continuum.  We need to update and get a new set of rules for marriage.

THE LOVE BUCKET® hot blog topic

Wednesday, July 6th, 2016 Posted in The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

Wife tells husband, no more room in ‘love bucket’ for you, now that we have kids

‘I have a love bucket. The two kids and myself take up the majority of the love in the love bucket. You have like a third of the love bucket.’

baby-bucket

Sarah Hosseini, 31, said that her children now take up the majority of her love, followed by herself and lastly her husband…

She said: ‘My self-love comes second. My husband’s got the bottom of the barrel. But I do believe love is fluid like water. It ebbs and flows, and can rise again when the time is right.’

empty-bucket

This comes from her blog post on Your Tango by Sarah entitled, I Didn’t Love My Husband As Much Once We Had Kids. This was on June 28, 2016 in the Family and Love section.

Her husband is the positive and optimistic one as witnessed by his reply:

"No, less actually," Sarah said flatly. "I have a love bucket. The two kids and myself take up the majority of the love in the love bucket. You have like a third of the love bucket. You used to have a lot more before the girls were born. But I’ve only got so much love to give. So, yeah, you have less now."

"Well, when the girls were born, I bought two more love buckets," he said smiling.

The mother said before she had children she used to ‘put myself last’. Her husband had her ‘whole love bucket’ and she used to accompany him doing activities and going to events to please him and cooked and cleaned up after him, she said.


THE LOVE BUCKET® trademark has no relation to the Your Tango blog post where Sarah refers to “love bucket”

Sex, Frequency, and The "Big Five" that Fill Her Love Bucket

Thursday, May 26th, 2016 Posted in SEX, The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

What are The "Big Five" that Fill Her Love Bucket® when it comes to sex? Researchers use the “big five” tool which is a set of personality traits including 1) openness, 2) conscientiousness, 3) extraversion, 4) agreeableness, 5) and neuroticism to make the determination.

LoveBucketSex

Together these five traits can map ways we think, feel, and behave — because in addition to our sex life, personality plays a hand in our life span and another Ring of Desire of The Love Bucket®, the Lifestyle Ring of Desire®

A study conducted at Florida State University psychological researchers examines the link between couples’ personalities and how often they have sex after getting married. While certain personality traits (agreeableness, openness) among wives were shown to be strong predictors of sexual frequency within a marriage, the same could not be said for husbands.

“No prior research has examined the association between partners’ big five traits and daily reports of sexual activity so we were hesitant to make specific predictions. It was somewhat surprising, however, that husbands’ big five did not predict couples’ sexual frequency,” says Dr. Andrea Meltzer.

Meltzer and her colleague, Dr. James McNulty, collected data from 278 newlywed heterosexual couples who had been married less than six months at the time of the study. In addition to taking a psychological examination that assessed the personalities of both husband and wife, each couple also kept a 14-day journal documenting their marital life, including how often they had sex. The Journal of Research in Personality article is Who is Having More and Better Sex? The Big Five as Predictors of Sex In Marriage.

The findings revealed that couples who had been married less than six months had sex an average of three to four times over the 14-day period. Although there was no link between husbands’ personality traits and how often the couple was intimate, higher levels of agreeableness among wives led to more frequent sex. Openness among wives also seemed to be a predictor of a more frequent sex life.

Someone’s sexual satisfaction seems to have no connection to the personality of that person’s spouse. On the other hand, both husbands and wives with low levels of neuroticism reported being more satisfied with their sex lives. And high levels of openness was also a stronger predictor of sexual dissatisfaction, but only among husbands.

The big five personality traits have been implicated in other aspects of both our physical and mental health. For example, people who score higher on neuroticism also tend to suffer from negative moods that lead to irritability, anxiety, and depression as opposed to people on the other end of the spectrum who have more emotional stability.

Being conscientious, on the other hand, could end up preventing a myriad of negative health complications by reducing the amount of stress that comes into our lives. Past research has shown that neuroticism leads to a release of the stress hormone cortisol, which can take its toll on our immune system. This has led to higher rates of heart disease among neurotic people.

What your own score? Find out your score on the big five Personality Test here.  The test consists of fifty items that you must rate on how true they are about you on a five point scale where 1=Disagree, 3=Neutral and 5=Agree. It takes most people 3-8 minutes to complete.

Mr. & Mrs. Woods, A Valentine’s Love Story

Sunday, February 14th, 2016 Posted in Dating, Mating, Relating, Romance, The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

“True love cannot be found where it truly doesn’t exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does.”
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Jaime’s version of how the couple met:  In late 2014, I moved from Istanbul, Turkey where I had been living for seven years. I landed in California at my mom’s house as a sort of temporary base to get my head together. I had plans to just focus on my business, English Success Academy and the online training programs I was running for ESL teachers. I had more than enough projects to keep me occupied and I figured that I could spare zero time, energy or attention to find love.

How wrong I was… That was probably why, when Steve and I started talking on Skype in early January, 2015, I laid all the cards on the table right away. I knew I wanted to co-create a life with a partner and I wasn’t going to be coy or wait for “the right time” to talk about “us.”

This is all or nothing. High-stakes. Take it or leave it.

Turns out I wasn’t the only one fed up with games. We were having hours-long conversations every day on Skype. Needless to say, I was more than a little flattered when he planned a trip to San Diego.

(San Diego… Valentine’s Day 2015.  Is this a recipe for love? Absolutely!)

Febfun_03

We hadn’t even finished that trip before we started planning the next one. And then the one after that.

Anyone who has hung out with Steve knows that it’s nearly impossible to stop having fun.

That little thing previously known as “Jaime’s Workaholism”? Gone… Shocking, right? But seriously, it turns out when there’s something else worth spending time on, I do.

I do. :) Every pun intended.

So the wedding planning began. 

As 2015 progressed, it grew clearer and clearer to us that we wanted to be together. Steve’s 6 year-old daughter Lilly is in Essex with her mum, so we knew we wanted to be live nearby and create a family environment.

The obvious choice was for Jaime to immigrate. So… Next, get married. Because of Steve’s parental duties, the only time we would be able to see each other was for a random conference that was being held in Las Vegas. Our only time together, Jaime booked flights to meet up with Steve in Las Vegas from November 7th to November 14th. Ok, flights booked.

Are you glazing over yet? Ah mes amis, we have only just begun…

The most relevant detail: we had already booked flights for Las Vegas from November 7th through 14th for a conference where people who primarily exist on the internet get together and experience things like daylight.

“Here’s the thing though,” continued Mr Experience, “You could even do a wedding in Las Vegas,” he laughed.

“Las Vegas? We do actually already have tickets booked to Vegas.”

The New, New Plan – Vegas Wedding!!!

When we talked about getting married in Las Vegas in November, it did seem a bit bizarre at first.

lovebucket-steve-jaime

Here we had been stumbling down what seemed like a painfully long path, and it turned out that all along, we were much closer than we could have guessed. Almost like the Donner Party—except going towards Las Vegas.

The more we talked about our options, the starker the contrast got: Jump through hoops for the next year, OR accelerate everything, switch to Plan C and have the life together that we want?

It took us less than 15 minutes to make the choice.

Life is short. Carpe diem.

jaime-steve-love-bucket

But the story does not end here…

There has been a three month wait after the wedding for the two love birds to be together.  Jaime has been in the USA (wearing her wedding ring but away from her sweetheart).  Steve has been growing his business and anxiously awaiting the time for the two to be together.

And that time?  One year after they met in person, on Valentine’s Day 2016.  Jaime took the long flight to be with her love.  Steve is the happiest man in the world!

Love to the amazing Mr. and Mrs. Woods!!!

See the infographic version on Steve’s website: https://onlinemastery.co.uk/valentines/

2016-02-14_Valentines

Scientific Proof: 2 basic traits for lasting love relationships

Thursday, December 31st, 2015 Posted in Attention, Dating, Mating, Relating | No Comments »

Only three in ten couples remain in healthy, happy marriages, as noted in the book "The Science of Happily Ever After."

Was there some common toxic issue found in the miserable marriages?

Emily Esfahani interviewed author and psychologist Ty Tashiro who shared the scientific studies conducted at the University of Washington in 1986 by John Gottman and Robert Levenson. With a team of researchers, they had couples attached to electrodes to track their physiology.

The couples spoke about their relationship, such as how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couple’s back home and followed up with them six (6) years later to see if they were still together.

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

The body tells a story that words do not. The disaster couples looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples over time, it was found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

The master couples, showed low physiological arousal, the opposite of the disasters. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. The masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

John Gottman elaborated: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”

In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat.

He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. What was discovered was the key “bid” to why some relationships thrive while others languish.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, aka “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a robin outside the window. He may exclaim, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting (a bid) a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the robin.

Every relationship has interactions that are often conversations. The wife can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband. Though the bird-bid might seem minor, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects his interest.

By turning toward your partners to engage the bidder, shows interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy.

So the first scientific trait is attention; whether there is a “turning toward” or “turning away” reaction.  This is how you respond and give attention to your partner.  The active construction response  is the type of attention that fosters a greater connection.

According to Shelly Gable, associate professor of psychology at the University of California-Santa Barbara, an important key to understanding a relationship’s strength is how it works in good times, not just whether it withstands the bad. Partners’ reactions to each other’s good news can better predict the quality of a relationship (and whether it will endure) than can a partners’ reactions to bad news.

The 3 wrong ways and 1 right way: Gable has found that out of four possible ways to respond to a partner’s positive news, only one the "active-constructive response" is good. Couples whose partners react in any of three less positive ways are at greater risk of separating.

Consider the following example Gable gives to illustrate: Your significant other comes home, beaming, and announces that he/she just got a great promotion at work. You could react with:

1. Active-constructive response. "That’s great, you’ve earned it, I’m so proud of you!" followed by questions. Conveys enthusiasm, support, and interest.

2. Passive-constructive response. "Great job, honey!" then shifting to the next topic. Like dinner.

3. Active-destructive response (what Gable dubs "finding the cloud in a silver lining response"). "Wow! Does this mean you’ll be working later hours? Are they going to be paying you more? I can’t believe they picked you out of all the candidates." Generally deflating.

4. Passive-destructive response. Can take either of two forms: "Wow! Wait until I tell you what happened to me today," which is very self-focused, or, "What’s for dinner?"—Ignoring the event altogether.

Positive reactions also magnify the uplifting effects of the good news for the partner who’s doing the sharing, Gable notes. A negative or semi-positive response to a partner’s good news, however, can undercut all the benefits derived from disclosing in the first place, such as fostering trust, intimacy, and satisfaction with the relationship.

Does your partner bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility? Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.

Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. Kindness is a bond that leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship. In some people, the “kindness muscle” is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise.

Kindness is the second basic trait to whether a couple has a lasting relationship.

The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.

If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often. Kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis.

Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy or good news. Is there excitement or disdain? How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness.

Among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.

Kindness_ScienceHappilyEverAfter-tashiro

The Love Bucket®, 7 Rings of Desire®, Everybody Loves Love®, Sherrie Rose®, The Love Linguist®, Nagging to Naked™ are trademarks of company formerly known as The Love System LLC.© 2008 www.TheLoveSystemLLC.com All Rights Reserved Worldwide. Disclaimers