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When You Realize That Marriage Isn’t For You

Sunday, November 3rd, 2013 Posted in Dating, Mating, Relating, Love Dynamics, The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

When You Realize That Marriage Isn’t For You What Happens to the Love Bucket?

Seth Adam Smith and his wife Kim had been married only a year and a half, when the groom came to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for him.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.  Following is in Seth’s own words:

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. 🙂 I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?” (to fill her love bucket)

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.

Marriage is about family.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.

Author Seth Adam Smith

So, The Love Bucket DOES get filled but not for selfish reasons.  The Love Bucket gets filled to SHARE.

A Truth About Marriage Revealed in Ben Affleck’s Oscar Speech

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013 Posted in Dating, Mating, Relating, The Love Bucket® | No Comments »

Dr. Ruth, tweeted: "Nothing I could say about ur relationship that Ben Affleck didn’t last nite: work hard, don’t hold grudges, work harder!"

Yes, Ben Affleck, Marriage Is Hard Work

Did you see Ben Affleck’s speech accepting the Best Picture award? If not, he made a moving and authentic statement about marriage.

The part that has people in a tizzy is this:

I want to thank you for working on our marriage for 10 Christmases. It’s good, it is work, but it’s the best kind of work, and there’s no one I’d rather work with.

The criticism centers around this statement as lacking in cuteness, and focusing on the negative. It wasn’t the “right forum” for this type of declaration, it was a possible indicator that “something is wrong” in the marriage, he should have just stuck to “I love you and adore you and you’re perfect” — basically whining that a major Hollywood star was uncomfortably honest about his relationship and said overly blunt things about marriage in one of the most public forums on the planet.

Anyone who actually agrees with the above criticism doesn’t get marriage.

A fundamental reality of human relationships is that two people are not meant to be in a single monogamous partnership for all eternity (or even until the end of their lives). Humans crave sexual novelty. We get bored. We lose interest after just two years. We find our intimacy crushed by the weight of daily routines. Marriage is a voluntary commitment that flies in the face of all scientific research and human evolution.

We enter this voluntary (some say insane, and they’re not entirely wrong) pact because we do a cost-benefit analysis and decide that the benefits of getting married (or otherwise partnering for life) outweigh the potential costs — breakups, emotional pain, financial disarray, the list goes on. We make just about the biggest emotional leap of faith a person can make, because we think, feel, and hope that the rewards will be great.

But at no point can we ever assume that these rewards will come without putting in the work to achieve them. We’re signing up for a daily struggle — some days it’s a small struggle, some days larger — and a distinct set of tasks that must be completed in order to keep the whole thing from falling apart. These may range from the tiny (say “good morning” to your spouse in a cheery voice even though you wish you could shoot a nuke through the sun and return to sleep) to the sizable (find a way not to explode with rage and stomp out when your partner loses her temper and insults your mother) to the enormous (comfort your partner and assist with all the logistics after the agonizing death of his parent).

Large or small, it’s still work — there is no way around that. And failing or refusing to do this work means the death of the relationship, maybe not today, but eventually.

I learned this the hard way. Like so many women, I had the initial thought going into my wedding, “Oh thank God, my single time is over — the work is done! We’ll be married and finally I’ll feel safe and secure and I won’t have to spend so much time and energy doing things just to keep the relationship going.” HA. A week after our honeymoon we had an argument — I got mad at him in public, blame was broadcast, insults were hurled, tears shed. Eventually I sat down alone with my newly married self and took stock of the situation, which had gone from peaceful to chaos in a matter of minutes. I realized that I had let my work lapse — I’d been resting on my laurels, expecting my marriage to unfold perfectly on its own. I’d stopped putting in the work. Getting married hadn’t saved me from a life of toil or reduced my level of risk — I’d simply traded in the toil and risk of dating for the toil and risk of having a good marriage.

Since then, my husband and I have discussed and sifted and accepted and listened and compromised. I’ve softened a few fossilized ideas I’d been carrying around my entire adult life, for the sake of understanding someone else’s point of view. I’ve done and said a few things my single self wouldn’t recognize — if she did, she’d probably be all judgey and self-righteously appalled. Eh, screw her. I adore my husband, I cherish our relationship, and when you ask me “What is the single most important thing in your life?” without hesitation I say, “My marriage.” The work, as Affleck wisely stated, is the best kind of work (if you don’t think so, you shouldn’t be married — no judgments, it’s just not for you), and there’s no one I’d rather do it with. If you’re partnered for life, if you’re fighting this good fight against biology, then you understand that — and you see that there is nothing Affleck could have said that would have honored his wife, and HER work, more.

by Melissa Lafsky Wall – HowAboutWe’s director of content. Follow her on Twitter.

This article originally appeared on HowAboutWe.com

However you look at it, Ben did fill Jennifer’s Love Bucket at the Oscars!

Fill The Love Bucket with A Marriage Proposal!

Friday, October 5th, 2012 Posted in Dating, Mating, Relating, Power Her Passion | No Comments »

Fill The Love Bucket with A Marriage Proposal!

How are you finding out about engagements these days?  Do you get a phone call? Do you an announcement in the mail?  Do you receive an evite electronic engagement party invitation?

Or, like many people, do you find out about an marriage proposal and engagement on Facebook?

love-proposal-engagement-facebook-lovebucket

Congratulations to David and Lornie! David, a marriage proposal is one way to power her passion! May your love bucket fill with more and more love!

Love-bucket-7-rings-of-desire

The Love Bucket: How Coffee Saved A Marriage

Tuesday, August 21st, 2012 Posted in Her Love Bucket, Romance, The Love Bucket®, The Man Class Series | No Comments »

My friend Harlan was a Rabbi and back in the days when did a great deal of counseling he helped people in all situations. Here’s his story on how coffee saved a marriage:

“One day some friends reported that a couple I knew were heading to divorce.  No one was able to talk to the husband. He was determined that it was over.

When I called him on the phone, I asked him to come over. He immediately said, "Rabbi, if this is about the divorce. Forget it."

I told him that I was inviting him over for coffee. If he didn’t want to talk about the divorce, that was his decision and I’d respect it.

When he came for coffee I began talking to him about the coffee I was serving.

love-bucket-cup-of-coffee

"This coffee is Kona coffee from Hawaii. It’s one of the most expensive coffees in the world.  It’s taste is out of this world.

But if you go into a supermarket and pick up a jar of coffee, it sure doesn’t taste like this. In fact, instant coffee barely tastes like anything.

Even the coffee in the can doesn’t taste anything like this."

My guest interrupted, "Rabbi, this is the best coffee I ever had! How did you make it?"

I answered: "First, as soon as I get the beans, they go into a freezer in an airtight container. I measure out the exact portion I need and then grind them fresh right before brewing them. The sound you heard when you entered was me grinding the coffee.

Then I pour the coffee into a non-bleached filter and wait for the coffee to drip through. The coffee is so good, most people prefer to drink it black without adding cream or sugar."

My friend said, "Who would have thought so much effort went in to making a good cup of coffee?"

I said to him, "Anything that’s worth it takes an investment in time and effort. Instant is never worth it."

He smiled at me from across the table. 

In a few days I heard he proposed counseling to his wife. He told her: "Anything that’s worth it takes and investment in time and effort."

= end story =

Now the story is true and it shows the husband wanted an instant solution or he would give up (leaving the marriage).

The Rabbi in his infinite wisdom showed him the merits, details, etc. of the more detailed approach. ( example: Making really good coffee.)  The husband realized that instant solutions don’t work.

So what does this have to do with The Love Bucket?  Everything. 

But before I get into the details, this is a true story about the Rabbi and the coffee.  His name is Harlan Kilstein and he is a master storyteller and copywriter.  He is also known as a Jedi master and when he speaks live on stage he sometimes wears the Jedi master costume to wow the crowds. 

harlan-copywriting

Now, back to The Love Bucket. The program based on the secrets of her love bucket is called The Man Class Series.

The Man Class takes place over the course of 30 days.  Could this program be completed in less than one week? Yes, definitely!  But then there would be no time to apply what you learned to fill your lady’s love bucket.  You need the 30 days to become a REAL Masterman!

You see, men are like microwaves who want instant solutions.  Women are like slow cookers who need to simmer and develop flavor. 

Your romantic approach can not be just fast and furious. You need to take time to develop the ambiance, warm her up, get her juicy and turn off her b-spot and turn her on.  Some say you can turn her on faster but at the same time they say the most important part is what precedes it and that is exactly what filling the love bucket is all about.

So check out The Man Class Series. and discover what it takes to fill her love bucket so YOU WIN and SHE’S SATISFIED!

sherrie-rose-likesUP-lovelinguist

Myths About Marriage & Relationships

Wednesday, June 13th, 2012 Posted in Dating, Mating, Relating, The Love Linguist® | No Comments »

 

The Love Linguist Shares Alex’s Myths About Marriage & Relationships:

From The Allman Report:

I got some serious blow-back from a lot of disappointed readers about the cost of working with me one-on-one.

One thing that is clear to me is that I’ve hit a nerve, and a lot of you really want to create the kind of sexual/romantic/intimate relationships that I’m talking about.

The ugly myth around marriage/relationships is that it requires COMPROMISE…

Most people think that a committed relationship means putting a death sentence on your sex life.

Most people think that marriage means giving up adventure, giving up important parts of how you most enjoy expressing yourself to fit in with the way your mate needs you to be.

Most people think that relationships are more work than they are fun, more "cage" than they are "playground" …but that’s just the price you pay for security and family.

Most people think that "COMPROMISE" is a very "nice" word and that it is a GOOD THING.

Nothing could be further from the Truth.

When love, intimacy, and authentic connection are entered into fearlessly, there is never a need to compromise.

And I mean NO COMPROMISE ON ANYTHING in your relationship.

If you’re married, you might be shaking your head and saying, "you just don’t understand MY relationship."

I understand why you might feel that way, but I KNOW about a path less traveled where you get to live in your highest, uncompromising truth – emotionally, sexually, and at your deepest identity level – and your partnership with your spouse will be even stronger.

There is a path that enables your sex life to get better and better over time, and even allows you to use your deep sexual connection to un-earth your deepest fears and have breakthroughs in your most deeply hidden "shadow issues"

that will make you more powerful in every aspect of your life.

That’s what a relationship CAN be.

Your spouse/lover knows better than anyone alive how to trigger your worst hot-buttons to get you angry.

Imagine for a moment what would happen if they were trained to use that knowledge to get you turned on, to elevate you, to FREE you into becoming the person you most want to become.

Life is uncompromisingly finite. Like all good parties, it ends much earlier than we want it to.

Given that simple fact, I hope you won’t settle for believing the myth.

***Here’s one of the many email complaints I got regarding my new 25K coaching program***

Dear Alex, while i understand requesting a [a lot of money] down may help a commitment to see things through and often people will respond to this, i think its crap for those of us who are committed and and more than willing just because you would require more than my house and car!

I read all your info aswell as a few others, practice and continue to work on my self and self awareness. I am committed to having a completely loving authentic lasting relationship with my man. I believe its a sadness for many that simply because of cash we are excluded.

>>> ALEX’S COMMENTS:

When I decided I wanted to take on some clients for some deep and personalized 1-on-1 work, I knew that, no matter what, a whole lot of people were going to be disappointed.

I have an entire business to run, products to create, newsletters to write, media appearances, and much more… and, of course, I will never be willing to neglect my own life and relationship.

So I decided to limit this opportunity to only

4 couples for the year who I will work with regularly across a year to completely transform their lives and get them to reach their most extraordinary goals.

The best way I know to make sure I end up with only the most serious and committed individuals is to charge a lot of money.

There are probably other ways to ensure commitment, but this one is easy, and there are two other important factors:

1) It’s worth it. It’s frankly cheap for the results that will be delivered.

Making love work is the master key to a happy life. People spend far more to get far less.

2) Because this is going to be a serious commitment of my time and energy, time I will be taking away from more lucrative portions of my business (I earn more on product launches than I will on this), the price is also a matter of practicality for me.

HERE’S THE GOOD NEWS:

My COMMITMENT TO YOU is that during the course of working with the couples who can afford to work with me one-on-one, I will be recording the high-level insights and learnings that make the biggest differences, and I will ultimately make these ideas available to ALL of my readers as an affordable, recorded program.

My purpose is to help as many people as possible achieve EPIC, magical, and uncompromising relationships.

And even though this particular program will have to exclude many, I am constantly working to bring my best to serve YOU and everyone who is serious about love.

For Passion,

Alex Allman for RevolutionarySex.com
—————————–

love-linguist-send-a-message-on-facebook-lovelinguist

Feel free to message: “The Love Linguist” on Facebook (confidentially) about creating the kind of relationship: 
sexual/romantic/intimate that you know is truly possible.

www.facebook.com/lovelinguist

(It won’t cost you $25K… like Alex’s coaching.)

The Love Bucket®, 7 Rings of Desire®, Everybody Loves Love®, Sherrie Rose®, The Love Linguist®, Nagging to Naked™ are trademarks of company formerly known as The Love System LLC.© 2008 www.TheLoveSystemLLC.com All Rights Reserved Worldwide. Disclaimers