Filling The Love Bucket often begins with a conversation and sometimes there is negotiation.
Richard Mullender knows a bit about getting his way. He has the power of persuasion to talk someone out of jumping off a bridge or to prevent an armed kidnapper from killing the person they are holding captive.
Mullender gave a crash course in “life-or-death listening” at Advertising Week Europe in London on Monday and revealed the four most important words you need to use if you want to negotiate with someone.
Those words are: “I feel as if …”
“Don’t change the conversation. It’s the dumbest thing you can do. The secret is in the rambling.”
When you ask questions, you are changing the subject, rather than attempting to interpret how they feel. When people ask questions to let the other person “off the hook” and to stop them from rambling.
Instead of asking a direct question like: “Why are you doing that?” when attempting to interpret what someone is saying, you should say: “I feel as if … ”
Saying something like “I feel as if something I said upset you,” or “I get the impression this is the problem,” allows you to interpret their true emotion without offending them.
Mullender says: “It allows you to guess what you think the other person means. If you get it right, they expand on it. If you get it wrong, they correct you and expand on it.”
Mullender he runs his own training company, teaching companies about the power of listening. Mullender spent 30 years in the UK police force and then went on to spend five years as a hostage negotiator, working in Afghanistan and the Middle East.
Your Physical Stance
When sitting together, lean slightly forward, with open space between you and the person you are listening to. Keep your hands apart with your palms open. You should never sit directly opposite the person.
Leaning forward, not eyeball to eyeball. Instead of directly looking at each other eyeball to eyeball — which can feel quite intimidating and tense —slightly angle the chairs —to give people the opportunity to look away if they feel they need to.
The Art of Negotiation – All About Relationships!
Gary Noesner, Former Chief FBI Negotiator and author of "Stalling for Time," talks about relationships in The Art of Negotiation. In fact he says it is all about relationships. Communication skills are key. You also need the courage to compromise.